November 12, 2017
Louisville
So, I took all the chicken out of the freezer when I thought I was going to have the dinner get together Saturday night. But I didn’t have the dinner get together. So now I have so much chicken I don’t know what to do. I hate to waste it because I go without food for days. And all this chicken would have really helped. So I’m cooking it. Remind me to pay attention to how long it cooks. Oh ya you can’t. You’re a reader. But I’m treating you like a real live person! Sitting next to me in my only other chair. Having a nice chat about all my problems. And how they are overwhelming me. And how I can’t see a way out. And how maybe, after this morning, I can see a way out. But I don’t want to say that too loud. So I am only whispering right now. I’m used to failing. It feels comfortable and right and like what I deserve in life.
After I sent all the contrition emails, I had a horrible pain in my chest. I know this pain. I need Klonipin. Badly. But I don’t have any. Haven’t had any for over a month. I haven’t been able to get over to the Lobotomy Hospital to get my prescription and take it to the drugstore to be filled. Very bad. Or very good?
You know how I always say wherever you are is exactly where you’re supposed to be? Maybe I haven’t said it yet to you. But I say it all the time to Adrian. And other friends. Every time I hear my friends say “I should have…” I say it. Wherever you are is probably right where you’re supposed to be.
I turned the chicken over. It’s a little burnt. But I think I can still eat it.
I’ve been thinking. About that thing I say, “Wherever you are is exactly where you’re supposed to be.” When I say a person is in willful sin (I know most people hate that term, but it’s so right on), maybe it doesn’t apply to that situation. But I think it does. I think when you’re in willful sin, it’s not necessarily where you’re supposed to be, but it’s a place where you can learn things that you couldn’t learn in any other place. I also say that nothing is all bad or all good. So willful sin is not all bad. It’s certainly not all good. But it’s not all bad. That’s not a license to engage in willful sin. It’s something to think about.
When you’re in the middle of willful sin, you usually condemn yourself and think of your behavior as all bad. You probably use the “should” word too much. Which I do… without even thinking. You judge yourself. You hate yourself. You loathe yourself. I like to say that too. “I loathe myself. I am dead inside. I smell the rot in me.” I have so many pat phrases. Some are helpful. Some are misguided.
It’s in the lookback that you see the good in what happened. You see the good in your bad choices. You see the learning. But it’s usually only in the lookback, after some time has passed. Chicken…
The chicken is good. A little dry. I didn’t eat yesterday. I had one of my Avoidance Sleep days. So, I’m a little shaky and I’m kind of devouring the chicken. Hmmm. Or it could be the lithium. I’m two weeks out from having stopped. But I read the tremors can take up to three years to subside. They’re not as bad or as frequent. I’m not too worried.
After I ate, I had this really bad pain in my chest. I went and laid down. Usually if I nap, it goes away. It’s gone when I wake up. Because you relax when you sleep. But I couldn’t sleep. I remember my psychiatrist saying to me, after I got out of the hospital and was getting my prescription for 60 Klonipin a month instead of 30, “That worries me. It indicates you’re not using your coping skills to deal with things.”
At the time, I was mildly irritated. When I had started seeing him a year and a half ago, I was getting a prescription for 60 a month. I told him I didn’t need that many and he dropped me to 30. This upped number isn’t so horrible, I thought. Man. This guy.
Well, he was right of course. Today I have to use my coping skills. They’re not good. And I couldn’t nap. That’s my number two coping skill after Klonipin. So, I have to feel the pain in my chest. And I have to talk to you about it so it subsides. So I can feel better about all that’s transpired this morning. Because I feel ashamed and worthless. And I feel I should have figured this shit out a while ago. And there I go talking to myself just like I told you not to.
The pain is better now. After five hours have passed, two skinless boneless chicken thighs, two cups of coffee, one club soda and talking to you. Still there though.
Developing coping skills is like going to the gym, I guess. It takes a couple weeks before you even start to notice a difference. I am filled with dread about this prospect. But life goes on. Two weeks will pass if I do or do not work on my coping skills. If I do not, I will continue to suffer. Klonipin postpones. Suffering awaits. Most often, there is no way around painful things.
And God’s really laying the knowing on me today.
I asked him “Why didn’t you take care of me? You told me you would!”
He said, “I have taken care of you. You have food and shelter. I have taken care of you.”
I asked him, “Why didn’t you give me a father, a husband?”
He said, “I am your father. I am your husband. Look to me to meet your needs.”
I asked him, “How many times can I say I’m sorry? I can’t say I’m sorry enough.”
He said, “You only have to say it once.”
Photo by Dingzeyu Li on Unsplash