February 28, 2018
Coco,
What you articulated here was perfect. I am so sorry you are going through this… but if it helps I am going through it too. I was drugged and raped in June. I know exactly how you feel. To know what is happening, but to be completely unable to say no. It sent me into a spiral too. I still don’t feel right. And the head stuff, the brain… doing the simplest shit…
We are smart fucking women. We know how to clean our house. We know how to handle our business. But for some reason there is something in our head telling us that we can’t. People like us, achievers… we struggle with patience. Because patience means not doing… and we suck at that.
I started seeing a therapist in October, and I stopped the end of January. I thought I was handling everything okay, but I was falling apart. She made a world of difference. My head still isn’t back…. the simple tasks are so fucking hard… and they take everything I have… I am so nervous that I am going to get fired… But I feel more like myself… I feel less… I feel less less. If that makes sense.
I completely relate to feeling… overwhelmed with my own stupidity. I can’t speak any more… I can’t focus… all I do is watch TV and play on my phone. I am gaining weight. I feel so bad about myself.
But something to keep in mind, we didn’t choose to have this happen to us. We didn’t ask for this man to do this. We didn’t make plans with the thought, “Oh I am going to get assaulted tonight”.
We are smart strong women. And it’s so fucking hard to remember that. Each day we do something that is hard for us, is a day we throw in that fucker’s face. The past us was a strong, smart woman. The present us is a strong smart woman. We need today, so that tomorrow we can be stronger and wiser.
Honestly, fuck the men that make us feel that way… what gave them the right to make us doubt us?
It’s really hard to type all this… I am just sitting here crying…
But really… When did we allow someone else to dictate our intelligence? Our worth?… We know who we are. We know who we can be.
Should is relative. Fuck “should”.
Coco, every day we just have to ask ourselves what will I do today? And sometimes it is just take a shower. Sometimes it’s bigger, go to the grocery store. What is important, is that we allow ourselves to be proud of our “small” accomplishments… because they really are big ones right now.
So to answer your question when the rug made up of the fabric of who you are is pulled out from under you, what is left?
We are still left.
We are still left.
And over time, we will make a different but better rug. But we just have to be patient and kind to ourselves…. and we are just not very good at that.
It fucking sucks.
Love,
Emma
Photo by Stephanie Harvey on Unsplash