Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash
February 20, 2024
You have no idea how much I wanted you to be my father
Truly
You have no idea
You were my father’s brother I saw you as the purer, dare I say perfect version of a father So unlike your brother
My abuser
In you
I saw the keys to acceptance and pure fatherly love And through that
To the very throne of God I would have been wholly content
To bow before the throne And worship God
My God
With all my being
I longed for your embrace I longed to be held close in your arms With not a hint of expectation of that… thing… That thing I was too young to understand That thing I was helpless to provide As a little girl As a daughter That thing I was forced to do
I’m sick Just remembering Your brother And I’m sick
Sick
Sick Because you knew And I knew you knew And you did nothing
For a time When I was very young You were as enchanted with me
As I was with you
And then You became a Baptist Minister And just a short while later
You had some sort of epiphany
And you became a Reformed Baptist Minister
And that was when it all came apart
That is when it all fell down
I kept chasing after your love
Your approval
Your acceptance
For so much of my life
Too much of my life
I was desperate for you, the purer, dare I say perfect version of a father
But who was I kidding?
I knew it was too late
My father was gone
The hope of a father was gone
The time was long past
It was the missing piece of me
And there was no making it whole
No matter how hard I prayed
No matter how good I was
And I was good
I was so very good
I did so good for so long
There was always that missing piece of me
And it would never be made whole
I kept asking you about your faith
I kept trying to understand
I desperately wanted to understand
So I could accept it
Embrace it
Because maybe then
You’d love me
Because if you loved me
Surely God loved me
But if you couldn’t love me
How could God?
How could anyone?
“God is perfectly holy. He cannot tolerate being in the presence of sin,”
You explained
“We have a savior who covers our iniquity with his sacrifice, so God sees us as sinless and blameless,”
You explained
“But we must be called by the Holy Spirit, the ability to respond to God’s saving grace is something God gives us, we cannot choose it, we are helpless and hopeless on our own,”
You explained
“So not everyone has an opportunity to choose God?”
I asked
“No!”
You said
“God withholds his grace, and we are powerless without his grace. There is no salvation without God’s gift of grace. It initiates from him. It only comes from him,”
You said
“So God decides some people will be saved and others will go to hell? And he decides that before we are born?”
I asked
Baffled
Baffled
Baffled
“Yes!”
You responded
It was clear you were so glad I finally figured it out!
So that was nice
That you were proud of me
But that good feeling didn’t last long
“I just don’t get it,”
I said
But only in my head
“Oh, I see, I get it,”
I said
Out loud
To my Uncle Dexter
“How do I know if I am saved?”
I asked
Wanting desperately to be In
And no longer Out
Wanting desperately to be accepted
To just be loved
For who I was
For who I am
“You shall know them by their fruits,”
He explained
And then he read me the Fruits of the Spirit
And in spite of the fact there was nothing good in me that wasn’t from God
I checked myself against the fruits
And figured I was doing pretty darn good
I figured I was on the right track, anyhow
And then, later, when I was 31
(No longer a child at all)
He sat across from me in my living room
In the old house I rented
In the small town where he lived
Where I had moved to be
NEAR HIM
I had to be near him, you see
So I could be saved
So I could BE SAVED
But really
I moved there
So I could feel loved
So I could FEEL LOVED
HA! Now we’re into the CAPITAL LETTERS
That means shit got serious
I was dating a man
I was hopeful
I was 31
(No longer a child at all)
The proverbial clock was ticking
I wanted to marry
Have a family
That wasn’t so bad to want
Was it?
Everyone wanted that
Right?
Let’s travel back, now
To my living room in the small town
Where I had moved
To be NEAR HIM
Uncle Dexter sat across from me and read from his Bible:
“You cannot carry hot coals against your chest without burning your clothes, and you cannot walk on hot coals without burning your feet.”
That’s from Proverbs;
Proverbs 6:27–28
To be precise
He wanted me to give up the man I was dating
He wanted me to be pure
And blameless
And sinless
And Pure
Pure
Pure
Pure
He didn’t get that I could never be pure
Pure wasn’t in the realm of possibility
Not since I had been a very young child
And just now
As I write this pain into a poem
Curious,
I go back and read that scripture
Uncle Dexter didn’t read this part:
“The same is true if you have sexual relations with another man’s wife. Anyone who does so will be punished. People don’t hate a thief when he steals because he is hungry. But if he is caught, he must pay back seven times what he stole, and it may cost him everything he owns. A man who takes part in adultery has no sense; he will destroy himself. He will be beaten up and disgraced, and his shame will never go away. Jealousy makes a husband very angry, and he will have no pity when he gets revenge. He will accept no payment for the wrong; he will take no amount of money.”
That’s the passage that follows;
Proverbs 6:29–35
To be precise
And it didn’t pertain at all to my situation
NOT. AT. ALL.
I’m shocked to find this!
I’m shocked he took those verses out of context!
In order to punish me
In order to contain me
In order to control me
I see it now
Quite clearly
I’m saddened
But not surprised
To know
My Uncle Dexter was a FRAUD
So you see, when Calvin
(“My buddy Calvin” haha)
When Calvin says works are nothing
And even a heart open and willing to receive Christ
Is nothing
Like filthy rags
And that only God can choose us
We cannot choose Him
And you will know them by their fruits…
I think of my Uncle Dexter
His “fruits” were
Condemnation
Judgment
Disdain
So after a while
I moved away from that small town
Because I couldn’t be a Calvinist
I just couldn’t
I was just that evil
I could not be in his presence
Be gone,
He said
I never knew you,
He said
You are not one of Us,
He said
I thought the pain of losing him might kill me
But it didn’t
I Persisted
I Persevered
And I studied
And I prayed
And I sought Truth
And one day
I saw a little light
A long way off
And another day
A long time after that
I realized the light
Was the light of dawn
And even longer after that
Many years after that
I realized I was basking
In the full bright shining light of
God’s love
And I said
Out loud
Real loud
“Uncle Dexter is in hell!”
(Except I don’t believe in hell
Uncle Dexter cured me of that sickness
I can certainly thank him for that!)
And when I considered taking Reformed Theology
I was so so so scared
I didn’t want to face the demons
“No better time than the present!”
I thought
“Pay now or pay later!”
I thought
I knew it would be so so so hard
I went to that first class
And thought about dropping
And the next class
And thought about dropping
And the class after that
And, honestly
I still think about dropping
But I won’t
My friend Stephanie is with me
And she encourages me
She just plain loves on me
And the professor is very kind
Then one day
Just a few days back
When I was reading Calvin
I said
Out loud
Real loud
“John Calvin was an asshole!”
And then I laughed!
And I laughed!
And I laughed and laughed and laughed!
I realized it was joy I was feeling
And I got a little bit free
I fantasize
That someday
I’ll meet John Calvin
I’d like to tell him what pain he has caused
Millions and millions and millions of people
But I won’t
I won’t need to
Because in heaven
That sort of thing doesn’t matter
We are reconciled
We are no longer adversaries
We are One
Someday
Someday soon Uncle Dexter & John Calvin & Me
Will have some heavenly biscuits and tea