Photo by Tangerine Newt on Unsplash
March 2, 2024
When I was a healthcare systems analyst, when people asked me what I did for a living, I said I was a healthcare systems analyst. I was fully immersed in that identity and couldn’t imagine describing myself any other way. Furthermore, there was no distinction between who I was at work and who I was as a person. I was my career.
It’s easy to put myself back there. I remember exactly what it felt like. I was so confident in my work, so proud of the contributions I was making in the business world. I loved my lifestyle. I had so much money. It makes me happy to think of who I was back then. And in the next moment, I’m saying a prayer of thanks that I’m no longer living that life.
When I was having the affair, I couldn’t think of anything but the affair, being in the affair, being in an affair, and Married Man. That’s all I could think about, and I couldn’t imagine ever being in any other frame of mind, nor did I want to. I assumed I’d always wear the scarlet letter, that the affair would always indelibly define who I was: A Mistress. I assumed that just by looking at me it was plainly visible I was living an immoral and depraved existence. Probably the only thing that was plainly visible was how perilously sad I was. But you’d probably only recognize that if you were familiar with that deep sadness yourself.
I haven’t worked in my career of 30 years since 2017. The affair ended in 2018. It’s been six years since I’ve worn the label of healthcare systems analyst or mistress.
The affair is a distant memory. I am no longer a mistress. That word “mistress” still makes me wince and my stomach knots up a tiny bit. I was repelled by my status then, and remembering who I was, I am still repelled. Not so much about the fact I was a mistress, but more about who I was and what I stood for at that time. Even six years hence, it’s incredibly painful to put myself back in that place, in that time. I’m sad for that Coco. And I don’t really recognize her anymore. But she lives inside of me, she’s in integral part of who I am. I do believe it’s important to embrace all of who we are; good, bad, and everything in between. Easy to say, hard to do.
Now, when people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I’m a writer.
When pressed, I tell them I’m retired from business. It’s far more complicated than that, but I only share my gut-wrenching backstory when I’ve developed a trusting friendship.
I also tell people I’m in school, but when they ask what I’m studying, I say history. Sometimes the history of religion. I can’t yet tell people right off I’m in seminary, there are so many assumptions people make. Maybe in time, as there is more and more distance between who I am now and when I wore that shameful label “mistress”. Maybe soon I won’t give any thought to telling people I’m studying theology.
Eh, I don’t know. I’m no longer a mistress, but I’m still not sure if I want to give up that label “ENM”. Not ready to throw the towel in on that one, not quite yet. I like that label. A lot. But I’m not living an ENM lifestyle right now. I’m not having sex. Don’t know how I feel about that. Regardless, ENM doesn’t fit with seminarian. It’s a paradox. Or is it a dichotomy? I looked up both those words and they’re basically the same.
I guess I don’t want people to assume I’m living an immoral depraved life, but I don’t want people to assume I’m living a strict, disciplined, pious, religious one either. Neither of those fit. Or maybe both fit perfectly. Maybe we are all living with paradoxes. Maybe we should embrace those dichotomies inherent in who we are, celebrate them, and wear them with pride.
The ENM seminarian. Hmmmm…