June 1, 2017
I can't sleep. This is the third night. I'm manic. It's really quite horrible being in my head. It won't stop. Spinning and anxiety and fear and it won't stop. I can't lay still. My legs won't hold still. I can't sleep because my body won't be still.
I just got up and am having some tea. Reflecting on the day's events. As if I had any choice but to reflect. I’m actually ruminating. Which is tiresome. Exhausting.
I was thinking. You know, Jeff, you know more about me than anyone else in the world. Seriously. The entire world.
Okay I'm going to ask you some questions. I never ask you questions because I'm afraid you won't respond. Which makes me feel rejected and abandoned. But I'm going to ask you this time. PLEASE respond.
Why me? Why did you pick me that day in that bar? What were you thinking? What made you think I would respond like I did? How did you know I wouldn't reject you? Do I make you happy? Are you a better person for having known me? Do you want me to just go away and leave you be?
I've gained 20 pounds since I started on the lithium. I feel grotesque. I have no idea why anyone would want to have sex with me. Am I some bizarre fetish? Like having sex with someone from the freak show? An indelible memory that is at the same time as fascinating as it is repulsive? These things I will never understand. I will never be able to wrap my mind around why anyone would want to fuck me. This paragraph is completely rhetorical and requires no response from you.
I don't know what else I can tell you about you that I haven't already told you. Except maybe just thank you for having crossed paths with me in this difficult difficult time. I wish sometimes things could be different with "us". But then most of the time I'm totally OK with what is.
You really should email me more often, though, you motherfucker.
All My Love,
It's not important you respond. I'm fine. No pressure. Be well.
Are you taking your meds take your meds you’ll get through this I think you’re a total turn on and yes you make me feel better push through this I know you can