October 20, 2022 Email to Adrian
Just follow your gut. You can’t go wrong following your gut. Just never apologize more than once. Unless you didn’t mean it the first time. But never ever scrape and bow and feel bad like you did about being sent home from orientation at the --- hotel for not following dress code. You did nothing wrong. You made a mistake. You did not do it intentionally. And it did not cost you personally. You have come back around. You are redeemed.
Let that be a lesson. Never think that you are less than who you are. You are fabulous you are terrific you are perfect. Every single moment of your life is perfect. You are everything you can be every moment. And sometimes it’s not great. Sometimes your moments fall short. Big fucking deal. You get to re-create yourself every moment of your life. You can recover from your past. You can prevail. Quality of life is absolutely available to you if you are willing to do the work.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how Don values me so greatly. I am like gold to him. And sometimes I think if he knew me, if he saw me through all the years of my past, he wouldn’t feel that way about me. But the reality is, I am a new creation. I am a new person. I have done the fucking work. I have worked so fucking hard to make my life something meaningful. And that’s all he sees. All he sees is the good stuff and how I’ve worked so hard, and he values that. He sees me for who I am now, and I am a transformed person
I don’t have to carry my past. I have fucking arrived. I am the best I have ever been. You are the best you have ever been. We are different people. We did the fucking work. We have nothing to be ashamed of and everything in the world to be proud of. And I can say that even though I just got out of the psych hospital!
I don’t understand what Jeff saw in me. I had so little I was so beaten down and so nothing. But he must’ve seen something valuable in me. Because it wasn’t just about sex. It’s about who I was. So, the core inside of me, the core of me is good.
The people who love you will always see the truth of who you are at your core. They will always see the truth of you.
If I met Jeff now, sadly, I wouldn’t have any use for him because he’s married! But if he met me now, he would truly be blown away by the woman that I am. He wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about me. He can’t stop thinking about me now because I have so much dirt on that poor man. I’ll never hurt him. I hope he knows that. But if he met me today, it would be a whole different story. There would never be an “us”, there would never be an affair. But I would leave my mark on that man. He would not soon forget me.
I am not easily forgotten by anyone. I am a force to be contend with. And I love who I am. And I can say that even though I just got out of the fucking psych hospital!
Everything happens for a reason, and I embrace every moment of my life. The good the bad and everything in between. And there is plenty of bad and plenty of suffering and plenty of depravity and plenty of misguided intentions. But the core of me is good. I will prevail. I will absolutely prevail.
Photo by the blowup on Unsplash