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I dreamt about Jeff. And I woke up and I’ve been crying ever since.

September 15, 2020


I dreamt about Jeff. And I woke up and I’ve been crying ever since.


He was sitting across from me in a room. There were some other people. I was trying not to notice him. I didn’t want to put him in any danger. And he was trying not to notice me. And then, after a long while, after the room had emptied, I just looked at him. And he turned to look back. And he laughed, quietly.


“You aren’t mad at me anymore?” I asked.


“No,” he said, shaking his head. “No, I’m not mad.”


And then he had to leave.


The next day, I went back to the same place and sat in the same place. And after a little while, he was there, again. We talked a little bit. I told him where I was living, and I told him he could tap on my window and I’d let him in.


And the next day, I went back to the same place and sat in the same place. And he was there, again. This time, we made plans for when he’d come to me.


And the next day, I was in my room, waiting for the tap on my window.


And I woke up. And I’ve been crying ever since.


I remembered I’m going to have to let a man know today if I’m going to meet him tomorrow. And I was disgusted. Disgusted at the thought of another man. Then I realized what I had with Jeff was all I wanted. It filled me up with enough. And I thought about how love makes someone everything you want and need. In just one person. And how it really is possible to be with one person, and be happy with one person, for a lifetime. Even though I spend a lot of time telling myself that isn’t true. But it can be true. There is that possibility.


The sadness of never having had that, never having known that, and that I probably never will is devastating. And I can’t stop crying for a love I’ve never known. How can I miss something so much that I’ve never even had? How do I even know what I’m missing? Am I making it all up in my mind? Some sort of extreme fairy tale? Why do I even imagine it’s possible to love one person, so fully and so wholly? When all around me, relationships are failing and people are destroyed? It’s certainly not my logical adult knowing mind that is grieving all this. Because it’s simply not realistic. It may be true, in a very minute number of loves, this type of love exists. But practically, for the great majority of us, it simply never happens.


I want to and I need to quit thinking it’s a possibility for me. It’s excruciatingly painful, extremely depressing, and it will take me down if I can’t let go of it. I know you can’t find happiness outside of yourself. I know that. I don’t want to lie to myself. Why do I persist in doing so?


Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12


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