April 27, 2018
Jeff,
I asked you once why you didn’t just give up on me, and you said “I don’t give up and walk away you are a nice person and I️ like hearing your stories”. Actually that’s a direct quote. So I’m not telling you this so you’ll think I want you to start talking to me again, although I would like that. I’m telling you this because I believed you were my touchstone. And you were my touchstone. I don’t know how much comfort I had that was made up in my mind, and how much of it was you really were my touchstone. That you were for real there for me on some level. But it seemed like you were.
So back then, I had that comfort to lean on. You were my touchstone, and you gave me good advice, and you played with me and that was a lot of fun. And I thought we had some good symbiosis going there. Of course there was bad stuff, and I know I must still scare the hell out of you or you’d talk to me. But that doesn’t matter to me anymore. I thought we had some good symbiosis going there, and it was truly a gift. A gift from you and a gift from the universe. I can be so new agey sometimes…
Anyway. So Frank is quite infatuated with me. And he keeps trying to box me into a place where I’ll tell him I want him and only him. And I don’t. It’s funny because he uses some of the same tactics I used with you, and I’m acting just the same as you did with me. That is, I ignore it mostly. And he is noticing I ignore it, and he’s pushing me further, because I think he thinks, like I thought, that if he pushes me, I’ll give in and just say what he wants to hear. But just like you to me, I can’t tell him something that isn’t true. I respect him too much. And that was probably your motive too. Or I’ll choose to think that anyway.
So this dance that men and women do. It’s as old as time. I didn’t invent it, I was most certainly predictable. And so is Frank. But it always feels new when you’re one of those doing the dancing. It feels you’re the only one that’s ever felt the pain so intensely. That no one else could have, or they would not have survived it. But the magic is, we all do the dance, and most of us survive it and come out better. Most of us dance pretty continuously, even if we’re in relationship with one person for decades. It’s the dance of our lives.
I have no fucking idea why I’ve waxed all sentimental here, again. I just want to tell you that you didn’t destroy me. Not even close. If I’m destroyed, I take full responsibility for that. But that won’t happen.
And once again, I must tell you that I wouldn’t change a thing about our affair. I learned things from you and because of you that I couldn’t have learned any other way. And those things I learned have made me better. I am better. My head is sicker, but my spirit is stronger and my character is more rounded and I’m far more resilient than I ever gave myself credit for.
Thank you for making me better.
Coco