June 15, 2018 Journal Entry
I do see a change in me. I’ve had multiple opportunities for liaisons in the last month, but I haven’t acted. They feel like such tired old worn out choices, not really choices at all. I want something different. I am dissatisfied with what I have had. I want to chart a new course.
At my last visit, my doctor said, “It’s better to have sex within a committed relationship. Both for your physical as well as your mental wellbeing.”
“Yes,” I agreed, dropping my head to gaze at her large wedding diamond. “But that’s not how it works in middle age. You can’t just go out and find the right person because it’s what you want. At least I haven’t found that to be successful. Men are divorced. Or they’re looking for something on the side. They have had their families. Their children are grown. They’re done with commitment. So it’s all about connections based on sex. That’s the reality.” She dropped her head and nodded in agreement. She was sad for me.
I don’t want to fall into the trap I’ve fallen into before, swearing it all off. I don’t want to throw away all the goodness and the fun of the quest. It is fun. It is fun to meet new men, to have sexual connections. It’s just simply not enough. I often liken it to eating Chinese food. It’s really good, you make a glutton of yourself. But an hour later you’re hungry again. You can’t sustain yourself, and certainly not your emotional wellbeing, on a steady diet of hookups.