November 3, 2021
Journal Entry
Hard to believe it’s coming up on the end of the year. I’ll have to start a new book. I’m ready. I hit a crossroads on the Louisville vacation over summer, and it’s just gotten clearer and clearer. And then, of course, the herpes diagnosis in September, followed in less than two weeks by COVID. Fuck.
So. Yesterday with mom was really good. Today, not so good. She drove me crazy. She reorganized her closet, something she does every week and a half or so. Seriously. I should start keeping track. Then she did the kitchen thing, where she takes a 20-minute task and stretches it into about three hours, including the 30 minutes she scrubs the top of the glass stove EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T COOK TODAY. And she gets out of breath which makes her anxious. So, then she works harder, gets more out of breath, and gets more anxious.
So, I had a vodka soda. And then two. And then I thought how I should stop so I don’t feel like SHIT tomorrow, so I made myself another one.
But between the second and third vodka sodas, I had this HUGE thing where I was freaking out about Jeff and loving Jeff and losing Jeff and how I can’t live with this pain anymore and on and on.
So then, I was sitting in the bathroom (away from mother) and she doesn’t have her hearing aid on today so she can't hear me (passive aggressive behavior), and I was yelling at God (which I often do).
I was yelling, “I can’t take this anymore! It’s been long enough! I don’t want to feel love for him anymore because it’s been long enough, and I can’t take this anymore and you need to stop it or tell me what to do to stop it…”
There was a lot more of this type of yelling going on, but you get the gist.
And so, after a few minutes of this, God says to me, “Coco, you know alcohol opens old wounds.”
I knew that. Didn’t I? Well God just told me, so I know it now.
So, my good friend, Terri, who is a witch, legit witch, she told me the other day she can put a spell on people but you have to have their permission. So, I’m thinking I have to ask Jeff for permission to break off emotional ties with him. Dumb. I’d had two drinks so that made sense but that’s backwards.
I only have to give Terri permission to put a spell on me to break off emotional ties with Jeff. So, I texted her and I asked her to do that. But it’s three hours ahead in Louisville, so she might not do it until tomorrow. Alas.
Then I was sitting there thinking, "problem solved", but I also remembered that when I drink, everything is distorted and now I know (or remember) that alcohol opens old wounds. I also remembered that ALCOHOL IS A DEPRESSANT, and so, when you already have issues with depression, ALCOHOL MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE.
And then I came out of the bathroom and talked to Katrina for a while on the phone about her new job. And I whined a little about Jeff, but really, her problems are so much more interesting than mine. So it was easy to get distracted. She thinks she won't be successful at her new job. But that’s, of course, total bullshit. And she damn well knows it. I hope I was helpful. I don’t know.
And then I ordered Mexican from Doordash. I wanted Chinese but they fucking close too early.
And, in summary, I’m feeling a lot better. But I need to stop at three vodka sodas. Seriously. Not kidding. I fucking HATE hangovers. And I’m old. So, hangovers are worse. Sucks. Fuck.
But I am feeling a lot better. And there’s Mexican food coming. Smile.
