June 17, 2022
Today is my nine month anniversary since getting my HSV-2 diagnosis. I'm doing OK with all of that. It's all kind of in the background, not in the forefront of my mind anymore. It's so so so insignificant compared to all the other stuff I'm dealing with.
I also made it past June 15, which a year ago I spent in the ER because I was going to kill myself. The last couple weeks, I've worried that I was going to have to go to the hospital again because it's been a really difficult couple of weeks. But I made it past, and now I feel like I'm beyond that milestone, and I'm going to be fine.
I also thought that my six months of stability was down the toilet because I was rapid cycling bipolar for several days, but I don't think that's the case. I think I just had a little bit of a bad spell which is going to happen from time to time and I need to accept that and not assume the worst. My niece Jayne told me that. And she's right.
I am terrified I will fall back into the deepest depression and teeter on the edge of death again for an extended period. And I tell myself that if that happens I won't survive. But that's not true. I can survive anything. There is nothing I can't survive because I have been through hell a thousand times and a thousand times more and I survived. Plus I've always managed. My niece Jayne told me that. And she's right.
Depression is cyclical. It doesn't last forever, you get a respite. It comes back, but then it goes again. My niece Jayne told me that. And she's right.
Like my friend Katie told me last year when I was in Louisville, "Probably the worst of it is behind you." I just need to remember that.
[Original publication date 6/18/2022.]