An excerpt from my forthcoming book, How To Do Single With Dignity and Grace.
As a heterosexual cis-gendered woman myself, I am speaking specifically to heterosexual cis-gendered women here. A like discussion about the differences in folks with other gender identities is a big one – and I am simply not qualified to speak on that topic.
I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Jordon Peterson. However, I always find what he has to say provocative and worth mulling over. I found this clip especially intriguing: Jordan Peterson on TINDER and ONE NIGHT STANDS | Jordan Peterson Advice.
I agree with Peterson’s assertion that sex is more dangerous for women - in terms of pregnancy, STI's, the potential for sexual assault, and the potential for negative emotional outcomes. Women and men are different – there’s no getting around that fact. We’re wired differently from an evolutionary standpoint, and we’re conditioned differently from a societal standpoint.
Recognizing and being honest about gender related differences with regards to sex doesn’t mean you’re not sex positive; it means you’re being honest about gender related differences with regards to sex.
The thing to remember is this: Sex always involves emotion, regardless of relationship status, and regardless of gender. NSA sex is a myth. That means "hookups" and "FWB" involve emotions. And those emotions may not be what you anticipated before you engaged.
Weigh the risks before you act and determine what is best and right for you. And, afterwards, you may realize you didn't make the best and right choice given the outcomes. Regret and self-condemnation don't move you forward in a positive direction. Learn from the experience and rechart your course.
If you recognize a pattern of sexual behavior that is troubling to you, see a therapist. Honor yourself and get the help and support you need to create a mindset that fosters healthy choices and positive sexual experiences.
It may sound as if I’m warning against casual sex across the board, that it’s always dangerous and unhealthy. Let me assure you, that’s not the case. My attitude towards casual sex has evolved substantially. I had an entirely different opinion about hookups in my 20s than I do now in my 50s. It didn't work for me then at all. But I feel differently now. For me, casual sex is not ideal in terms of substance and depth of connection, but that doesn't mean it isn't a heck of a lot of fun sometimes.
Sex can be one of the most fulfilling and rewarding and affirming activities you will experience. It’s up to you to decide the role of sex in your life. There is no right or wrong here – only what is best and right and healthiest for you. That will change over time, as you move through the different phases of your life, and you gain the experiences which reshape and guide your sexual choices.
