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Why do I just ask questions and never seem to have answers?

January 28, 2021 Journal Entry


Tonight, I was thinking about how so much of my life I’ve wanted to fall in love and get married. And thinking about that tonight, I just got disgusted at the very idea. Why do I feel that way now? What changed? What happened? And when? Did it happen overnight? Or over time? Did someone do something to me? I don’t think that’s it. Do I fear I’ll lose my freedom? In part. My life is not so great, it’s not so rich and full. Why do I assume adding a husband would make me less?


Even during the dating experiment, I started out thinking I might actually meet someone and have the full meal deal. I thought that might happen for a very long time. But then it turned out I just had a lot of fun. Fun that I don’t think you can have in a marriage. Intellectually, I know that’s not true. Right?


And then I looked at Jeff’s picture tonight, because I occasionally feel the need to torture myself, and I felt that intense thing he makes me feel. I fucking HATE THAT. After all this time, even knowing I made up most of it up in my head, even knowing it was a fucking baseless fantasy, I still feel that thing.


I never wanted to marry him. And I always knew I knew I didn’t want to marry him. I thought of him as a sort of jumping off point. He encouraged me, lived vicariously through me, and supported me when things were down. And they were down a lot.


I know I did things sometimes just so I could tell him what I did. I did things I wouldn’t ordinarily have done. AND I HAD FUN! And I felt like I had all that fun because of who he was and who he was in my life. He freed me up in ways I never expected. I changed into this person I would never have known I could be before I met him. And I so much liked who I became. So, is that love? Or gratitude? Fuck if I know.


I miss his friendship so much it hurts all over. I want him back. But only in the same way he was in my life before. Remote, unattainable, only sporadically emotionally available. Actually, he was never really emotionally available. Or maybe he was. I’d have to think for a long time on whether he was really there for me or not, and it’s too painful to think about for a long time.


Am I drawn to men like Jeff because I only feel comfortable in emotionally manipulative relationships? Does that kind of mind fuck actually make me happy? Am I so conditioned to that dysfunction that is the only kind of relationship that makes me feel right?


Why do I just ask questions and never seem to have answers?


Photo by Saksham Gangwar on Unsplash


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