What do I have of value to offer you or anyone?
November 15, 2017 Email to Jeff
I really hate it that you're one of the only people I can ask this. I just don't know what to do I don't know what to do I hurt so bad inside my head hurts I don't know how to fix myself I don't know how to fix anything I don't know. Oh please please just tell me what I should do. Go back to the hospital? Should I?
If I let Chase move in with me I'm afraid if Chase is here with me that I won't be for you I won't be available for you if Chase is living here I can't be available for you. I want to be available for you. It’s actually quite a fucking nightmare that I've gotten myself into here. And if I let him take care of me then I'll never get back to a point where I can take care of myself again. I don't want to go back to Seattle I don't want to go back to Seattle. I am failing at this I am failing miserably at this. I don't love him and I don't think I ever would love him it's not fair to him I would be taking advantage I would be using him to make me feel better that's not right. When you get two broken people that need help and you put them together that doesn't make two whole people. It makes two even more fucked up people. Right? Am I thinking about this right? And he is so sweet and so kind and so loving and so caring there's so many wonderful things about him but I would just be using him. I respect him too much to do that.
I worry too that I'm so in love with you my heart will never be open to anyone else. I've said it a few times now but loving you is extremely inconvenient. And I do love you so much so much.
Do me a favor and answer just this one question for me OK? I've asked you many times and I just really really for some reason I really need to know. That day at the back of the bar when you grabbed me and kissed me, how did you know that that would be OK how did you know? What was it about me that you knew I would respond to you? Can you tell me just just tell me what it is? Is it the spark in my eye is it my spirit shining through is it my demeanor what is it about me? OK this is the bottom line OK here's the question…
What is it about me that is worth going after? What do I have of value to offer you or anyone?
That's what I've been trying to ask. I want to know what's good about me and what's valuable about me and why you care about me and why you're my friend and why you don't give up on me I want to know why. I know I sound like I'm fishing for compliments but it's not that. I'm just trying to get the information, the magical and special mysterious piece of information, that is going to make me understand that I am valuable and that I need to keep fighting.
You are worth letting a man that cares about you to take care of you. Help each other take care of each other. That’s what a relationship is about. You deserve that, he deserves that. The worst thing that could happen if he moves in with you, is that you both won’t want that. And that’s OK, that’s what life is about. There is NO HARM in trying and getting out of your comfort zone.
As for me, I’m going to be staying faithful to my family. That’s the decision I️ made and am making every day. What made me think it was ok to do that in the bar, was I️ was hoping for a make out session before I went home. I️ thought you were trying to flirt with me at the table, so I just went for it. That’s all, your wit was funny to me and still is.
I️ will still be an email friend, but you need to get up and move on from these internet fantasies and conversations, I promise you will feel better about yourself and your life. Focus on what you have in front of you and not what I’m doing.
You have a person that wants to be with you, for you, knowing your flaws, that’s rare. DO NOT SABOTAGE THAT.
It sounds real to me.
Anyway. That’s just my thought.
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. “Which road do I take?” she asked. “Where do you want to go?” was his response. “I don’t know,” Alice answered. “Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter.”
-Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Photo by Stefano Pollio on Unsplash