August 23, 2018 Email Exchange with Ladder
Me:
I really do love Jeff and I don’t really know why. We haven’t spent any time together to speak of. I don’t understand why I love him so much, do you? Two years and I’m mad mad crazy in love with him. I don’t want him in real life. I mean ya, it would be nice to still have sex with him. But I never ever wanted him to leave his family.
Ladder:
I think it’s because he made you realize that you really are a woman… a woman that is still desired. A lot of times, we forget parts about us and who we are. We are reminded of what we do but not who we are. Many times, what we do chips away and takes away a little of who we are. When we are reminded in a sincere way, it rushes back in such a deluge that it can’t be contained. It doesn’t overwhelm us… it inspires and consumes us.
Me:
That’s exactly it. It’s a rush of gratefulness, mixed with desire, mixed with the kind of love where you just want to hug them and hold them and make them be all OK and happy.
But that’s it – a deluge of emotion. An absolute tidal wave of feeling, warmth, just the most pleasant love feelings. It’s really awesome.
That’s why I tell him he doesn’t have to love me back. It would have been nice, but it’s not necessary. Having loved him the way I do has been a gift to ME.
Ladder:
So the saying better to give than to receive is very true in your situation.
Me:
Or better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It’s truly been a miracle. I credit him with my transformation. I tell him all the time how grateful I am. I wonder if he can take that in, own that. I wonder if he really truly knows I love him so so so so BIG.
Ladder:
He may know… just not believe or accept due to him not wanting to believe or accept, no matter how many times you tell him. I believe he will come to the realization sometime.
Me:
I guess I’ll keep telling him then. That poor man. He’d like nothing more than for me to just go away and leave him be.
Ladder:
Do you think Joe will help even out your feelings for Jeff?
Me:
I really don’t know. It’s hard to think about ever loving anyone as much as I love Jeff. But I have loved like this before. I truly have. It’s back to my first love in college. But I had this before. Once before.
Sometimes I just lay in bed and think of Jeff, and the love flows through me in waves and waves of joy. And sometimes I cry. I miss him. He’s my best friend. I miss him horribly. But there’s far more happy than sad. I wouldn’t trade having had him in my life for anything. I am who I am because he is who he is.
