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  • Writer's picturecocodensmore

This time, it's all on me.

July 19, 2021

The Louisville Vacation

More and more is coming through, by the moment.

I said something to Terri this morning that was pretty revealing:

“You don’t need to rely on getting closure from someone else. You just need to let go of the need to get closure from someone else.”

Just in the last day, I’ve let go of the belief that Jeff has to tell me he’s OK before I can forgive myself. Such untruth. Why was I hanging onto that for years?

Closure. It’s a seductive concept. And it’s a temptress. I’d have sold my soul for closure from Jeff. I don’t need to because I don’t need it.

I wonder if I just came upon this supposed revelation because it’s another way to let Jeff off the hook by creating a logical rationalization that excuses the fact he won’t respond to my request for closure. But not this time. This time, it's not on him.

I know full well, and have always known, he will never do me the honor of telling me I didn’t ruin his life. Honor. Interesting. That’s the way I wrote the sentence the first time.

Rephrase: I know full well, and have always known, Jeff will never communicate with me again.

He can’t ever communicate with me again. He’s made a commitment not to, and he’s not willing to risk his family ever again. I’m assuming those last two things, but I would bet my life on it.

What does a mistress have a right to expect from her married lover? NOTHING.

This time, it's all on me.



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