October 29, 2022
I haven’t written as of late, because nothing has forced me to run to my laptop and pound out something compelling. A text conversation this morning did just that.
A couple weeks ago, I amassed 100 followers and was able to join Medium’s partner program. I earn money based on the number of clicks and the amount of time readers spend on my articles. There are a lot of other factors in that algorithm, but that’s a high-level summation.
Well, I’m not making the bucks (yet) — that’s apparent. But it brings me great peace to know people are reading my story and may come to know those of us who struggle with mental illness are capable of depraved acts we never dreamed possible. All of us are, mentally ill or not. But it’s especially important for those that suffer as I do to understand you can do things that go against your Truth and not self-condemn.
What’s important is recognizing, acknowledging, and addressing the root of those behaviors. Else healing and growth and positive change are simply not possible. That’s the bottom line, right there. Furthermore, if we don’t recognize, or are in denial of the destruction of which we are capable, it is very likely we will continue down that bent and wreak untold damage on ourselves and others in the process.
Here’s the gist of the text conversation:
On another front, the least flattering picture of me that I have ever had the guts to post is getting reads head and shoulders above the rest and I am making massive amounts of money on that article. It cracks me up. The article is four years old, so keep that in mind.
I am in a different place now, a much better place. I would never succumb to the attention of a married man at this point in my life. Well, I can’t say that for certain because I admonish everyone never to say never. But it’s rather disgusting, for lack of a better word, to look back on who I was at that time. Not so much that I get into self-shaming over what I did, because what I did was simply a symptom of how worthless I felt. But I’m disgusted by the fact a strong, intelligent, determined woman thought so little of myself to have fallen into such an incredibly destructive relationship. And… I’m not only disgusted about the damage I did to Married Man and his family… I’m disgusted about the damage I did to ME.
That article was so ugly in its depiction of the degree of sickness I was experiencing, I was ashamed to publish it at the time. I don’t think I even sent it to Married Man, because I was too ashamed to do even that. And I routinely send him everything I write about him.
This is the first time I’ve put this damning information out for public consumption. And I have no problem putting most everything I have to say out for public consumption. You know that more than anyone!
I pondered on it quite a bit, and determined it was healthy for me to share, because it goes along with my admonition that we are all good, bad, and everything in between. If we neglect to acknowledge, embrace, love, and actively work to heal the parts of us that are so very ugly and so very sick, that sickness operates unchecked and causes untold damage to ourselves and others.
Interesting I use the word “disgusting” in how I view my earlier self. That’s the wrong word. I need to look at that Coco with compassion and love and also respect. Because that Coco got her ass in gear and worked awfully hard to get out of a very bad place emotionally, mentally, and even geographically. And that Coco got me here. And this Coco is a bitch on wheels and I love her. I was going to say, “I like her very much”. But no, I’ve fallen in love with her. And it’s about fucking time!
“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” -Maya Angelou
