The insanity of knowing that and still not feeling able to let go.
November 8, 2017
Email to Jeff
I've got it figured out. It's on the third day when I haven't heard from you that I start to get anxious. Followed by the self-loathing that comes after, when I tell myself over and over again how stupid I am to have fallen for you, to care for you, to mind at all. And my panic escalates.
I try to think up all kinds of new and interesting and funny email ways to get your attention and keep it long enough so you'll notice. And the cycle repeats tirelessly.
My yearning for you is relentless. It's terrifying what I do in my own mind to keep hold of you, when I really have no control at all. The insanity of knowing that and still not feeling able to let go.
I know, Jeff -- I said no demands and all of that business -- but please, just say hi. I just need you to say hi every three days or so. I hate that I beg, over and over. It sickens me.
Please be kind. Kinder.
I love you,