April 12, 2019
Pain is here. She came yesterday afternoon. She made it impossible for me to get out of the apartment. I couldn’t shower, dress, I didn’t want to see me in the mirror. I could picture myself walking to the bar, to see friends, only a block away. But I didn’t do it.
Did you know you actually picture yourself doing something before you do it? I don’t think most people realize. I didn’t even know until I became paralyzed. I see myself doing all sorts of things. And then I don’t do them. I can’t? Or I won’t? I think I can’t.
Pain was with me all night. She kept me up. Endless introspection, ugly rumination. Futility, Hopelessness. My ever loyal friends.
I wish Pain would leave. She was gone for a while, several days in fact. But then she came back. Unexpectedly, yet predictably. I really don’t like her. She’s toxic.
I talk about Pain in the third person. But really, Pain lives inside. She sleeps, for a time, then she wakes and takes control of my mind.
Hell.
