• cocodensmore

Negotiating the Rules of Engagement

OK. Let’s talk about sharing what you like and don’t like with a potential sexual partner. This is my favorite part of connecting with someone, after I’ve gotten to know them and decided I want to proceed with a sexual relationship. It’s exciting because it’s sexy as hell to share the explicit details of what you want in bed with one another.


The part about how the two of you communicate, the differences in your communication styles can make this type of sharing a bit tricky. Once you’ve figured out how to communicate comfortably with one another, assuming you’re very clear on your likes and dislikes, this can be a very empowering conversation!


So, what do you like? Get clear on this FIRST! If you’re not clear on this, if you come across as uncertain, unless your partner is extremely intuitive and very cautious, he may assume you’re OK with things you’re just not OK with and initiate those behaviors. And then you might get angry, or worse, scared. So don’t leave that stuff up in the air. Get clear on what you like and don’t like and what you are and aren’t willing to do in bed. Be firm and direct in communicating that information in advance of any sexual interaction.


I have a list of things I love! One of them is being kissed on the neck. The others, well, I won’t list them out here. The things you like are the things you like, not the things I like. Although there may be some overlap. Wink.


There are, of course, things I don’t like. I simply tell my partner what I’m unwilling to do. I usually get a response like, “I understand and I’m comfortable with that.” He might try to push it, layout scenarios where I might be willing to do something I told him I wouldn’t do. So that’s annoying. If he pushes it, I cut off communication with him. I’m not going to have sex with someone interested in manipulating me into doing things I’ve told him I do not want to do. Not cool.


If we’re dating and having sex on a regular basis, as I grow more and more comfortable with my partner, I might surprise him with some of the stuff I ruled out initially that I’m now willing to do. Maybe. If he deserves the special treatment. Smile. Wink.


Another piece of negotiation is where and when. There are living situations to consider, and work schedules, and time he spends with his kids, and so on and so forth.


Hotels are expensive, but they’re fun. It can feel like a vacation, an exciting time out from the ordinary routine. But who pays? And a will it be a Motel 6, a Holiday Inn, or a Four Seasons? Brush up on your negotiation skills, dearie! You've got this!


To sum it up, get clear on what you want. Get clear on what you don’t want. Communicate that information to your partner confidently and firmly in advance of any sexual interaction. Own your sexual power.


"There is unbelievable power in ownership, and women should own their sexuality."

-Beyoncé




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