November 28, 2024
It’s Thanksgiving. I’m supposed to be thankful. Meh... I’m pretty much estranged from my family, I’m shunned. I have a relationship with my mom, tenuous, but ya, still there. And I’ve got loving supportive cousins all over the country, so I do have family. Plus my chosen family, my supportive, always loving, unconditionally accepting friends. I’m alone today, but I’m not particularly lonely. I’m making jewelry and plugging away at an outline for my Intro to Theology final paper. It’s tough. It’s tough to face the demons. It’s good. It’s what I’m in seminary to do. But it’s tough.
Here is a draft of the introduction to my paper.
INTRODUCTION
To begin, I must emphasize that my theology is in flux. Serious flux. I am heavy into my own faith deconstruction journey. Since embarking on this quest, the biggest change in me has been my ability to lean into the fact there is much more randomness in life than I used to feel comfortable acknowledging. I used to believe everything happened for a reason, that God is in complete control of everything. But knowing who I know God to be, and in dealing with the problem of evil, there’s no credibility to the concept of God as sovereign, and so I reject that attribute.
I also used to believe every life had some grand master plan. I used to believe at some point in life, you discover your destiny, and only then can you come into the fullness of who God intended you to be. But that’s not it, either. Although I choose to partner with God, I’m doing it, it’s me, and it’s all on me. I’m walking my own path, I’m making my own choices. The future is undefined and unknown, and I do not exist and move through this life on the whim of some supreme spiritual being. I now believe that instead of “God’s plan for your life,” you come into the fullness of who you are — not who you were meant to be as defined by some external force or predetermined destiny — but who you truly are — just You. Singular You. And maybe that’s an epiphany, or maybe it’s just a gradual unfolding process. Regardless, my transformation has always been happening and will always continue.
I’ve also realized the most frightening epiphanies are also the most freeing. It was when I let go of hell that I really got free. I no longer make all my decisions based on whether or not I believe they will result in eternal conscious torment. I now believe three things about hell. First, there is not much biblical evidence to support the contemporary evangelical version of hell, and what evidence there is does not point irrefutably to eternal conscious torment. Second, Christians, particularly those in church leadership, have utilized the fear of hell as an incredibly effective means of control. And third, neither hell nor eternal conscious torment are consistent with who I believe God to be. God is love.
I no longer claim the label “Christian.” I’ve been pondering a good descriptor for a long time. I tried “deist,” but that isn’t specific enough. I’ve recently landed upon “Christian Adjacent.” Whatever I am, I am definitely a Universalist.
Note: There are many videos regarding how the evangelical concept of hell is not scripturally supported. Here are two from a biblical scholar I trust, Dan McClellan: Our concept of hell isn’t in the Bible, Responding to claims about hell.
Photo credit: Skyler Gerald on Unsplash