Jeff, how did I get this old and I'm still alone?
*I lived in Louisville from 2016 to 2019. All of 2017 was consumed with my affair with Jeff. That's been over since Valentine's Day, 2018. I really hate Valentine's Day. But I ruined it for Jeff and his wife, too, although that's no consolation. I've dated some and had one meaningful relationship since moving back to Washington. That relationship recently transitioned to friendship. I've come to terms with my singleness. I no longer believe a man will solve my problems. I know, now, it's all on me. I'm doing the work, the hard work. I'm making progress, I see it. I Persevere.
March 12, 2018 Journal Entry
I have been avoidance sleeping for two days. I don’t know why, exactly, except I had a fellow I met on a dating site over Wednesday night, and it did not go well. But that’s only one small piece of it. The rest, the whole of it, is as complicated as a mess of tangled wire. Pulling out the individual pieces proves overwhelming. I feel helpless to get to the root of my issues, so I abandon the effort and fall into despair.
This is the first time I’ve felt like writing in a while. In fact, I’ve toyed with the idea of giving it up altogether. Abandoning the idea of publishing the book. I wonder to myself, “What good is the book? Is it simply a conglomeration of salacious accounts? How helpful is that? What redeeming value is there in that?”
March 13, 2018 Email to Jeff
I wonder if it's hard for you not to email me. Or if it's just a relief. I wonder if you think it's the best approach, or if you think it's what I want. It's probably what I need, but it's not what I want. I was thinking of telling you I'd do anything if you'd just communicate with me. Then I was wondering if I could have sex with you again, and the answer is no.
I guess I really did think you'd stick by me, as a friend, that we'd always email. I don't know why that's so important. I really don't know. If I could understand, maybe I could deconstruct my need, analyze it to death, and just fucking move on. But I am wont to do that.
Maybe it's a simple as going back to that whole notion of you as the archetype of the perfect father. Maybe I was disregarded and abandoned by my father, and I can't manage having it happen again with you. That's probably the closest explanation. If that's the case, I'm not reacting to you, Jeff, for abandoning me. I'm reacting to my father abandoning me and this just feels the same. Interesting.
Well, I just made a bit of progress writing this email out to you.
I love you though. I do. I don't understand it. I really don't. But I do love you.
March 17, 2018 Email to Jeff
I never ever thought you were a motherfucker.
There are so many things I learned. I was just thinking about what I could have done differently. Nothing.
As ugly as it is, as painful as it is, where I am is right where I'm supposed to be.
I love you,
March 19, 2018 Email to Jeff
I made him eggs and coffee. Coffee to go. And I was going to make him a sandwich for lunch. But he kept saying no.
But he's only 30. That's not sustainable. But I sure would like it if he came and fucked me regular. I'll make him eggs and coffee every time. And sandwiches too. Those are two of the five things I know how to make. Three if you count the coffee. But I have a Keurig...
If I just had a man to take care of, I think I might be OK. I'd have something to focus on, something other than just me.
Jeff, how did I get this old and I'm still alone? What the fuck? I really fucking missed the train on this one. Seriously. I know everyone says a man doesn't solve everything blah blah blah you have to love yourself first blah blah blah. Bullshit. The right man is going to fill the gap in so many ways. The right man, that loves me, is going to help me love myself. So where the fuck is he? Goddamnit. Fuck. I fucking deserve to meet my soulmate. I've paid my fucking dues!
I'm a goddamn good woman. I know I scare the shit out of you. But you needn't be scared. I'm loyal, faithful, trustworthy, kind. I won't hurt you. Never. Ever. I love you. I do. I really do. But I've got to get me my own man... Not someone else's man. I don't think I want the moon, do I? Just a nice solid 20 years with my soulmate. But hell, I'd take two years of brain power and 18 years of drooling, if I could just have those two years. Please God.
You are so privileged, do you know that? You have the life I always wanted.
I love you so so much,
Photo by Alejandro Piñero Amerio on Unsplash