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  • Writer's picturecocodensmore

It’s so sad it was so wrong what we did. But so fucking necessary.



February 25, 2022


Jeff,


I don’t watch romcoms. I hate them. They’re all the same. But sometimes I watch them if they’re smart. And not formula. But I just tell myself that, because even the romcoms that are smart are formula. Of course they’re formula, or they wouldn’t be made into movies.


I was thinking about loving you and how it’s gone away a bit. How it’s been so nice not to fucking lose my soul missing you. It’s been such a relief. And a release. To finally let time do its work, so I can feel not so fucking lost for losing you.


I know you absolutely did care for me. You did. I know you did. Ya, in the end I fucked everything up. But I imagine you don’t hold that against me. I imagine you blame yourself. But, as I’ve covered a million times, we’re both at fault. Neither of us fucked up our lives alone. It took us both. And we sure did a bang-up job! But that’s so far in the past now. So far gone.


And then I was thinking about how sorry I am for having done such a wrong thing, being with you. But then I thought, FUCK NO! I’m not really sorry at all! You brought out my best. You really did. The worst was just there. It had to happen, I had to walk it through. It was the lowest point in my life. But you brought out my best.


I’m so thankful. I’ll always be thankful to you for being exactly who you are. You really were perfect. You were exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it, and it ended just as it should have at exactly the right time.


I’m sorry I hurt you. I am. But I can’t change that part. And if I hadn’t done something so ugly and so big, it would still be going on. And it couldn’t go on, it just couldn’t. It had to end. It had to.


I’m sorry it ended the way it did. For that, I really am sorry. But fuck. I’ve apologized so many times in so many ways, all that’s left is for me to stop apologizing. I did the amends thing. I’m done. I wish I could believe that! Because I know it’s true. Absolutely true.


Jeff, I wanted so little of you. I needed so little of you. And you gave me so little and that was enough! You didn’t hold back; you gave me all you had to give. I was difficult, up and down and all over the place. But you fucking sliced out time for me, to deal with my fucking wild ass bipolar up and down shit. And you cared about me. Maybe you felt protective of me because of the mental shit, or maybe you cared about me because of the mental shit. Likely, both. Regardless, you were there for me.


I can pretend and think you just used me, and there’s some truth in that, for both of us. Absolutely, no doubt. But it was bigger than that, more than that. You did care. And I absolutely did love you. And I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to give you things. And I believe I did.


I said hard shit to you, stuff you didn’t want to hear and didn’t want to know about yourself. But you took it. You took it in, and I really believe it made you better. We were exactly right for one another at exactly the right time. It’s so sad it was so wrong what we did. But so fucking necessary.


So. Why another of these ridiculous, “Oh my, another epiphany about the affair!” pieces? I don’t know. Because I just watched a smart romcom. And it all hit me square on, again, and spilled out on paper. Again. So, that.


Love. Always love. Well FUCK.


Coco

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