November 20, 2021
Journal Entry
Earlier today, I was beseeching God, again, again, again, again, about how I can find my way to let go of Jeff. I told God if his wife would just forgive me, I’d maybe be able to let it go, or at least stop tormenting myself to such a grand degree.
Here’s what God said:
She has forgiven you. But you've got to stop emailing him. For your own sake.
She loves him. She didn't for a while, or she didn’t feel like she did. Then she found out about the affair, and some things became clear, and even though he fell so far down, she loves him, and she took him back. And he loves her, with all of his heart. And he loves his family and will never jeopardize his family again.
She doesn't hate you. She did for a while, but just at first. Yet almost from the beginning, she knew it was all Jeff.
It's not on you, Coco, stop owning it. You did what you did for your own reasons, out of your own sickness. You knew it was wrong, you knew there would be negative consequences, but you didn't set out to hurt his wife or his kids. You put those thoughts aside and desperately sought what you thought would alleviate your own pain. You were human. You fell. You are human. You fall.
You did nothing to his marriage. They did that all by themselves. But they've put the pieces back together. It's been four years. You're not a part of their lives anymore. You're not the central reason for their discord or their pain. You're not a threat. There's nothing you can do to them at this point. They're not afraid of you. You can't hurt them. They know that and they've moved on.
You've got to stop emailing him, torturing yourself. If you did get him back, even as a friend, which is what you claim is all you want, it would be the tiniest sliver. Just like before. Just a tiny sliver of his life. A miniscule piece. You say that. You know that. In your writing you say that, again and again. That wasn't enough for you then, and it wouldn't be enough for you now. You weren't happy being relegated to last priority then, and it would especially never satisfy you now. Now that you know more of your worth.
You have new friends who fill the void that you thought only Jeff could fill, that you believe only he can still fill, but that's simply not true. You have new friends, I brought new people into your life. People that aren't split in their time and their affections for you. People that are wholly there for you in a way Jeff never could be. And you know that. You know that. Release your hold on Jeff and you'll finally see that. It will become real to you, and it will give you great solace. And you will feel joy again.
There are no coincidences, there are no accidents. What happened happened because of where you and Jeff were in your lives and who you both were back then. And especially because of how little you both valued yourselves at that time.
You are better now. Every day, you do the work, the hard work, and you get on with living your truth. You yourself claim in your writing you needn't condemn yourself for going against your truth. And regrets are a waste. You urge your readers to learn and move on. Shall I read you your own writing?
The affair wasn't unexpected, it was not a shock - not to anyone - not to you, not to Jeff, and not to his wife. It wasn't inevitable, but it wasn't a shock either.
The affair did cause much pain between the two of them. You were part of that - but not the catalyst, not the cause, not the root. The problems in their marriage existed long before you came into the picture.
Like you said in your first email to him, the first time you tried to end it, right after the first time you were together. You told him you were a symptom of the problem, not anything to do with the real problem. You called yourself a “red flag” and urged him not to contact you again but instead to address the problems in his marriage. Yet, he chose not to, not at that time. But it was easy for his wife to look away as well. The primary responsibility lies with the two of them, not you.
He preyed on you, and you ate it up. Because you thought so little of yourself, you thought it was what you deserved. It wasn't even that you thought it was all you could get, that it's all you could ever expect. You knew you could have more, if you wanted it. Because you'd had more before. You've been loved. You know what it feels like.
You took up with Jeff because it's what you thought you deserved. Because you hated yourself so much, you thought being devoured by his need and his hunger and his pain was all you deserved.
You thought he needed you to save him, and that you were the only one who could save him. You put saving him ahead of saving yourself. You had no power to save him to begin with. You don't have the power to save anyone else. You know that. You have always known that. You can only save yourself, and always with my help.
Yes, you were wrong to do what you did, but there was context. And that context was all about you. You didn't have the grounding to see or feel anything but the pain inside. You were consumed with self-hate. How you saw yourself at that time was a complete distortion. You're better now.
I see you as worthy and lovable and blameless. But you've always known that. I MADE YOU. Stop with the self-condemnation. That's not what I want for you. And you full well know that. You always have.
You don't want to forgive your part in the affair because you don't think you deserve forgiveness for your part in it. But it's been four years. You don't even figure into their minds, and certainly not in their lives. There is no link between you except the one you keep alive in your own heart and mind.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just like you always say. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The self-forgiveness will follow. Let it follow. Don’t think it’s all on you, we’re walking it through together. Together, we can get you out of this abysmal trap. Count on it. Trust me.
Let it go so you can move forward and be open to what I have for you next. And it's a wonderful thing what I have for you next.
STAY OPEN.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi
