This is a dating site conversation I had with a match. I found his profile description intriguing, but he did say “partnered and not looking to change that”. Although I was interested in what he had to say about himself as a person, I wanted more information about his relationship status.
I respect the relationship agreements couples have with one another. That means if I match with a man that is in a relationship his partner believes is exclusive, I am not going to pursue relationship with him.
I do not across the board rule out dating men in ethical non-monogamous relationships. It’s dishonesty I abhor. I can always handle the truth. But when a man lies about his relationship status, I will not tolerate it. I simply will not tolerate it. So, if he’s married, his wife thinks he’s faithful, yet he’s attempting to connect with women for sex online, he needs to just say that! Then I have the information I need to make an informed decision.
If you are open to dating men in ethically non-monogamous relationships, when you come across a profile like this, ask questions. If he takes offense, you know right away there’s a lot more to it and it’s not a situation in which you want to get involved. If he can’t handle the heat, he doesn’t have the stuff it takes to engage maturely in ethical non-monogamy.
If it turns out he is cheating, a loaded but accurate word for his behavior, I’m not gonna read him the riot act. I believe when a man violates the terms of his relationship, it is his responsibility to share that information with his partner. It’s not my place and it’s really not my business since I will not engage with him any further.
But I am going to press him to answer my questions. If he’s married and looking to cheat and opts to be honest about it, I respect that, oddly enough. I can always handle the truth. The truth allows me to put a halt to communication, which I always strive to do without degradation or judgment.
Hopefully, other women will also hold him accountable. Ideally, he will think about what he is doing and address the issues within his own relationship before he puts himself out on a dating site looking for a side piece. He may, he may not. But I did my part by asking the questions. Perhaps I prompted him to answer questions that he probably doesn’t want to answer. I hope at the very least I’ve made him think.
Never get involved with somebody whose sexual ethics are not in line with your own. There is always a price to pay when you compromise on sex. And it is often a very painful price to pay. Most importantly, always always always trust your gut!
Dating Site Conversation With a Married Man
Me: I see you are partnered. Does your partner know you are seeking outside partners for sex?
Man: It’s kind of a don’t ask don’t tell situation.
Me: Your response implies both of you are seeking outside partners, but you choose not to discuss the details of your extra-marital activities with one another. Is my understanding correct?
Man: I don’t think we’re looking for the same thing. I am looking for a woman to please.
Me: You’re not answering my question. If you are choosing to violate the terms of your relationship, you need to disclose that in your profile description. There are women that prefer to date men in your situation. Why not be honest?
Man: Are you one of those women? Do you care if I’m married, and she doesn’t know?
Me: Well, I’ve been there, and it did not go well. So no, that doesn’t work for me. But truly, that’s not what infuriates me about your behavior. What is totally unacceptable is the fact YOU LIED.
AND HE UNMATCHED!
*An excerpt from my book, “How To Do Single With Dignity & Grace,” available on Amazon.