July 24, 2023
The very ironic thing about this breakup with David is that about a year ago I was going through something similar with Don. I guess, actually, the only similar thing is the breakup part — or rather a transition to friendship. No two men could be any more different.
I found this from last September. There’s some good stuff in here, so I’m sharing it.
September 16, 2022
All day I’ve been itching to get my fingers on the keyboard. The knowing is just hitting me every second. It’s a constant flow of truth shot straight into my core. Delusions? I don’t really give a fuck. What I’m learning is amazing and can only help me grow and be better.
I was on the phone with Rebecca today and I told her about what had happened driving home from TMS yesterday. TMS – transcranial magnetic stimulation. Google it. Fascinating shit.
I told her I thought of Jeff, and I immediately felt a tight band around my chest. Then I thought of Don and that so familiar nausea of late hit me hard. And I was pretty shocked to realize these two men rent space in my body. They each are assigned a specific area of my body where their memory lives. I shared that thought concept with Rebecca and she said, “They’re living rent free in your body.” Perfect.
She explained when we connect deeply with someone, they become part of us. They become part of what we identify as our own self. The memories we build with them have a specific location; they take up literal space in our minds. We literally allocate a part of our brain to someone we love. When our relationship changes or the relationship ends, we are literally losing a part of who we are. And that manifests in physical pain.
This is what happens all the time. I’ll be talking to one of my friends and all of a sudden I’ll figure some big shit thing out and it will hit me like a brick up the side of the head and I’ll think, “Why in the fuck didn’t that occur to you before you dumbass!” And then I proceed to tell myself the stuff I always say: Wherever you are is exactly where you’re supposed to be [and] you don’t see things until you have eyes to see.
OK. So here goes.
I’m not grieving Don, the person Don. He’s as much part of my life as he ever was. In fact, he’s even more devoted to me than ever before. That’s an interesting turn of phrase, “devoted to me”. But it’s very apt. Asperger Don wouldn’t see it like that, but he’s not the same kind of realist I am. He lacks intuition. OH! Another awesome topic to tackle in a future blog post!
What I’m grieving is the strong friendship coupled with the extremely fulfilling sexual connection we had finally finally finally arrived at. It was always sweet, gentle, fun, very very nice, but about early August, IT GOT REALLY GOOD. REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD. Ya. I’m tellin’ ya. Like, top 10 in my lifetime good. He fixed The Vintage Treasure Box for fuck’s sake! Yay DON!
But the REALLY GOOD was only time. The second time after the first time it was REALLY GOOD, he’d already met his Person, and I knew what was coming, and I knew it was coming soon, and I drank that day, so I wasn’t really present, and although he used the same techniques, it just wasn’t the same. (I really hate myself for fucking up that second go around.)
And now the physical component of our friendship is over. That’s what I’m grieving.
Rebecca said, “Goddamn oxytocin!” I don’t know if it was hormones, or just the ancient brain wiring that makes a woman bond with one man. Men are completely free from that chemical sabotage. Those Motherfuckers.
So, I Super Bonded with Don after he fixed the VTB. I’ve told him, that was the day it went from safe friendship love, and I fell over the fucking cliff into romantic [fuck with your mind] love. Shit. I hate when that happens. I used to happen a lot, now, not so much. But damn. It still happens.
The reason why I know that’s the component of our friendship I’m grieving is when I was on the phone with him the other day and he was saying stupid ass shit, the same “I’m worthless/I’m bad/I have nothing to offer” bullshit he’s always going on about, it got me all disgusted and then annoyed then simply tired, exactly the same as always.
Today when I was driving home from TMS, I pictured us as a couple. I thought about getting engaged, getting married, living together. (Or maybe just living together without all the more complex trappings.) I thought of what it would be like to inhabit the same space, to be entitled to space, to even own space in his world.
Then I thought about how I only really had to deal with Don’s annoying stuff every other Sunday, so it was easy to overlook. I didn’t have to face him day in and day out and really deal with the whole of him. It was good that I didn’t have to, because then I could focus on only the good parts of him and only let those parts shine. When I’m not a couple with Don, his bullshit shitty self-image affects me, but not directly. If we lived together, I’d have to slap him silly, kid you not. I could not handle it. I could never live with Don.
The last few weeks, after Don met his Person, he’s been especially devoted, especially attentive. I’m a little annoyed with him for not being this Don before. Each time we talk, he says things like “You are an important person in my life” and “You are wonderful”. Whoa. That’s an interesting word he used, “wonderful”. I’ve really never heard him use that word until earlier this week when he texted it to me.
He didn’t say those things before. I knew he valued me greatly by the way he treated me. Sometimes he’d say super incredibly nice and even romantic things to me about me. Mostly I’d have to ask. Mostly I’d have to draw those conclusions from his actions, not his words. But now, all of a sudden, he gets it. He gets how to make a woman feel special. And I’m rather pissed that his Person gets all the best of him now, when I had the best of him before, and the best of him before wasn’t as good as it is now. (Awkward sentence structure, thanks for bearing with me there.)
“I changed his LIFE! No, wait, I was the catalyst. But thank God I came along because I was the exact person, probably the only person, that could browbeat the fuck out of him and finally drag his only half willing ass to the clinic for a herpes test!” I said to Rebecca.
“Yes, Coco. You were the catalyst. That is the role we have in many people’s lives. It is a critical role. It is a very fulfilling role. But when you assist others in their soul work, you make it possible for them to move ahead. And they may move ahead without you.”
I set myself up for this heartache. But man, I did so fucking good. I set it up so I’d lose the thing about my friendship with Don that had become most precious to me, but I did right by Don. I was selfless on this one. And he knows that. It’s unlikely he’d be able to articulate it, but I’d never expect him to articulate something so profoundly rooted in his soul. He’s simply not wired that way.
He’s going to read this, and he’ll likely be incredibly perplexed. He’ll say, “I don’t quite understand what you’re talking about or referencing.” And I’ll smile.
I smile just thinking how fun it is to perplex him. I love it when I give him great pause. I want him to THINK about this stuff. I want him to stop dead in his tracks and really take these words in, because when he does that, he changes. He grows. I do that. I help him grow.
I’m so proud of me. I’m so proud of him. I’m so proud of what we accomplished doing this incredible soul work together. We did good.
In short, except the fight with my mother when she kicked me out of the house again, it was a pretty goddamn good day. I’m feeling pretty goddamn good, all in all. Considering.
I Persevere. And life goes on.