July 23, 2023
Dear David,
I see you read today’s post. And yesterday’s. So maybe you’re back from the beach. I don’t know. I assume you’ll text me when you’re ready to banter.
I want you to know I won’t always be angry with you. And even now, it’s not constant. It was wrong what you did, but I do know it was not intentional. I hope you won’t do it to anyone else, but that’s not on me, that’s on you. I release that expectation.
I truly do love you and want what is best for you. I support you in your every effort to pursue the things that are important to you, the things that feed your soul (so to speak).
I thought about going back and adding to yesterday’s post, softening it a bit, putting more caveats in there that it’s not your fault, that you didn’t do anything but just be you. You were on your own path. You on your path just happened to not fit with me on mine.
On the other hand, I hope what I wrote had enough facetiousness that it’s clear I don’t blame you. If anything, I’m most angry with myself for staying in it so long when I should have recognized it wasn’t going to work. But I can’t be angry with myself about that. I just can’t. Even when I commit to a thing and fail, I learn so much. I don’t regret any of the time I spent with you.
Your atheism taught me things I could not have learned from anyone else. I think I can just now barely wrap my mind around what it is like to live believing this is it, all we can see is all we have. That being said, knowing you as I do, I realize being an atheist doesn’t make your life any simpler. You suffer just as much; you grapple with the existential stuff as much as me. That was surprising. But perhaps that has more to do with our natures than our beliefs. I don’t know.
I will always be grateful for your graciousness in allowing me to share my truths without judging me or demeaning me for believing in things you think no intelligent person would believe! I know that was hard for you, although you were always kind. Because of how you chose to relate to me, I didn’t ever see the differences in how we viewed spiritual matters as a hindrance. I’m thankful for that. If you had shut me down, I would not have learned so much from you. And I’d still be saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” Which is total horseshit and I’m disgusted I bought into that sovereign God thing for so long. Alas.
So perhaps this is another post. You poor man. Publicly dissected and for what? Well, I’ve immortalized you (so to speak). You deserve it!
Much Love,
Coco
