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  • Writer's picturecocodensmore

I'm stuck in the in between.

June 19, 2018

It’s the fourth week that I’ve been avoidance sleeping by day, up most of the night. Occasionally, there will be an appointment that I have to be up for during the day. But most days blend into one another, as I try my best to spend my life sleeping and not living.

This evening I woke, lying on my left side, and my eyes rested on my arm laying out, with the word “Perseverance” tattooed on my left wrist. I got that tattoo the day I got out the psych hospital. I stared at that word, my favorite word, for a long time. Then I got up and took my meds and made some pork chops.

The depression, this time, is like a heavy quilt covering all of me, causing a numbness that cannot be described. It is not that intense stabbing pain in the chest kind of depression. That kind of depression that has you fantasizing all ways to make it end. Instead, this time, it is a constant dull disabling weight from which there seems no escape. No amount of self-talk, no amount of anything, actually, is pulling me out of this one this time.

My case worker emailed, she wants to visit, of course. We see each other weekly. I cringe. Not because I don’t want to see her. I adore her. But I’ve not made any progress on my goals. My goals are amazingly simple. I’m to be up during the days, sleep at night. I’m to shower and dress and leave the apartment at least every other day. So simple. Yet activities I’ve found literally impossible to do.

I wonder again, should I go to the hospital? I’m not suicidal. I’ve completely given up on that idea. As many times as I’ve tried, and all of those times have been pretty half assed, it’s never worked. So I carry on. I carry on. And carry on. And persist. Because I truly believe there is no alternative.

I’m in depression limbo. I am not wanting to kill myself. But I can’t shake this numbness, this inertia, long enough to get to actually actively living. I’m stuck in the in between.

I persist in the hope, because He’s proven it time and again, that God takes care of single women. He has never failed me. I’ll dig out of this. Once again. I’ll dig out of this. It’s the when that’s the question.

I Persevere. And life goes on.



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