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I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to let that motherfucking rapist destroy me.



November 9, 2024


I met a mother and her daughter yesterday. They helped me set up my booth for the bazaar. We chatted pleasantly, and the conversation soon turned to the election. Mom, just a few years older than me, had voted for Harris; daughter for Trump. Mom said she was surprised her daughter voted for Trump, and I looked towards her daughter, and she said looked at me and said, “I didn’t know. I just voted for him.” I sensed she wasn’t a real introspective young woman, perhaps of average intelligence. She was quiet, so I was not at all angry with her. There was no reason to be. She remained quiet and subdued, but I did notice she paid close attention to the conversation between her outgoing, outspoken mother and me.


Going on about how horrible Trump is, I said I’d been anti-Trump since the pussy grab tape.


“What? What do you mean?”


“The Access Hollywood pussy grab tape! Remember? Right before the 2016 election.”


“Oh, I did not know about that.”


I continued to recount his litany of evils. She did know he had 91 indictments, but she did not know about E. Jean Carol. I proceeded to cover the highlights, in sickening detail, because I know way too much, I follow it all way too closely. “He’s a rapist!” I said several times throughout my rant. That is the piece that sickens me most.


“And then he wanted Liz Chaney to have rifles pointed at her face! He wants her shot in the face!”


“Oh, I didn’t hear about that,” mom said. “Liz who?”


It really hit home how few Americans really know anything about politics, and how they vote based on very little information, like mom, or because their friends are voting for Trump, like daughter. It’s a bit easier to get a right perspective on the situation knowing that most voters are low propensity voters – a description I wouldn’t even know about unless I followed politics as closely as I do. I realized over the course of the evening that most people, certainly those of average intelligence, which is the average, make voting decisions based on what they hear from family members or those in their immediate social circle who have a bit of information and a bit of conviction. It simply doesn’t go deep. Most people are caught up in their day to day lives, politics is background noise.


Does that excuse these folks, does that make it right? I don’t think that’s the right question. Paying attention to current events, understanding the political environment, simply isn’t a priority for the majority of people. They simply aren’t inclined to make a voting decision based on saving democracy. They’re not voting to imperil democracy; they simply aren’t engaged enough to understand the stakes. They aren’t informed enough to develop strong opinions about candidates, issues, and policies. It’s not necessarily that they’re hooked on Fox News, it’s that they don’t watch the news at all. They have no interest, because their minds and their lives are occupied with just living. They haven’t the bandwidth to fully engage civically. That doesn’t make them wrong, it makes them low propensity voters. That’s not a sin, that’s not a crime. That’s what I learned yesterday. Blissful ignorance is simply a state of being for the majority of Americans.


Later, a woman who stopped at my booth made some idle chit chat. Something about the conversation, I don't recall what, elicited her remark about how she was a happy person.


“I wish I could be. I’ve been depressed since the election,” I said sadly, my eyes turned downward.


“I’ve been happy since the election! I’ve been so excited! I'm so GLAD!” she said.


I looked her straight on and stared, dumbfounded. I’m in Portland, she is a white woman, how could she be happy? It didn’t fit with my assumptions about the liberal Portland community within which I reside.


Sensing my confusion, she said, “We can still be friends though!”


I turned my gaze downward. “No, we cannot,” I responded, barely audibly.


“Oh! Well, I go to water aerobics with a woman who doesn’t support Trump and we’re friends.”


I felt my face go hot and red as my confusion turned to hate. I continued to look down, recognizing it wasn’t polite to glower at the woman. She’s a citizen just like me, she has a right to vote for whomever she chooses, just like me. Why? Because this is a democracy. A democracy in peril, but she probably doesn’t know that. She doesn’t deserve my hate. She walked away, confused, and probably offended. And I didn't care. Asshole.


Man am I fucked up over all of this. I hope things settle down in my mind and heart soon, I can’t live on high alert with all this hate lurking just below the surface, ready to bubble up every time I brush up against a Trump supporter. It’s no way to live.


I am an adult. It’s important how I frame all of this. I must frame it in a way that is centered, measured, controlled, and most importantly, personally empowering. That is the headspace I want to live in. That is the headspace I must find, must inhabit. I must. Or I won’t weather this and after all I’ve been through, I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to let that motherfucking rapist destroy me.


"Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."


-Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

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