• cocodensmore

I cannot get a fucking break.

May 13, 2018


I had an interesting test today. I made arrangements to go out with Frank Tuesday night. He texted me, “I’ll be out smiley face with sunglasses”. I thought he meant he’d be out Tuesday night, like out on a date with another woman. I thought he was testing me to see how I’d react, to see if I was jealous. But he meant he’d be out to pick me up Tuesday night. So, for a good half hour, I processed how I felt about Frank dating someone else.


I was never jealous, as in “someone is stealing my boyfriend” jealous. I felt more threatened, as in someone else is going to take up Frank’s time and he won’t be exclusively focused on me.


Then I progressed to feeling relieved, because Frank won’t be exclusively focused on me, and I won’t have to worry about him caring for me romantically when I don’t feel the same about him.


Then I progressed to taking on the role I’m so familiar with, the girlfriend that becomes the guy’s “pal”, because another woman has taken her spot as “girlfriend”. That’s probably the role I’m most comfortable with. That’s certainly the role I’m in most often.


Come to find out, Frank’s still all mine, and all my problem.


Now I know exactly how I feel about Frank. As if that does me any good whatsoever. I cannot get a fucking break.

Photo by Hoach Le Dinh on Unsplash

5 views