January 18, 2023
It’s been a week now. I keep thinking I need to write about how it feels, but then I don’t. I don’t know why. I’ll try.
I haven’t been alone, had no one to think of, to consider, to protect and to care for — not for four and a half years.
Now it’s just me, alone with Tabitha, putting the apartment together. Watching movies, watching my news shows, sleeping when I want, waking when I want, making the food that I like, shopping for what I need (mostly online).
I had to pick up some packages in the lobby today, so I got dressed. I hadn’t dressed since Saturday when I’d met Paul for lunch. I took the garbage down in the new wire cart I ordered so I could carry groceries from the car to the apartment. Then I picked up my Pretty Litter and my new mop and got on the elevator with a man who I’ve seen on my floor. Every time I’ve seen him, he’s wearing a mask. That seems odd to me now, when I see people reluctant to let go of that habit.
“You’re in 406?” he asked.
“Yes. I’m really liking it.”
“I had a good friend that lived in 406. I’ve spent a lot of time in that apartment. She passed last summer.”
And then it was quiet.
I thought about asking if his friend died in the apartment. But why? It doesn’t matter. This building went up in the 1990s, many people have lived in this apartment, many have died, some in this apartment. That’s true about all apartments.
“See you soon,” I said as I stepped off the elevator pushing my new wire cart.
I’ll go out tomorrow. I ordered groceries, I do the Drive Up & Go thing. I don’t like going into grocery stores. I don’t like waiting. And I like to do targeted shopping, only get what I need. I spend a lot of time honing my grocery list online. Why? Because I can.
I pulled a book off the shelf to read, fiction. All the Light We Cannot See. I’d started it a couple years ago but put it down. Not for any particular reason. But I see it’s a new movie on Amazon Prime, with Mark Ruffalo, one of my favorite actors. I’ll start the book, I’ll watch the movie, then I’ll really want to read the book. That’s my pattern. I have a goal to read at least one fiction before school starts January 16.
I’ve got a month until school starts. No appointments. I have NEVER in my life had an entire month to spend alone in my apartment doing whatever I want, not having to worry about going anywhere I don’t want, not having to worry about money.
I have money. Not much, but enough. My severance from mom is gone, but I’m all set. I have everything I need. I have enough.
I Persevere. And life goes on.