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Hope deferred makes the heart sick...

January 4, 2024 Email exchange with David


Me:


Did I tell you when I got my oil changed they told me I have an oil leak?


David:


No. Where’d you get your oil changed?


Me:


In Vancouver. It was close to $100 most places, so I bought a Groupon for $30. When I got there, they said I had to use full synthetic, so it cost me about $65. Still cheaper. But it was in Washington, so I paid tax. So, I don’t know if I saved anything. I didn’t like the guy who owned the shop. He was a dick. It is nice to get out and get familiar with the area, though, so I’m glad I did it.


Yesterday I drove to Multnomah Village, then I kept going west, then south then east through Milwaukie and Lake Oswego then through Sellwood then north on a road a bit west of 205. It was a commercial type highway with motels and hookers. Interesting part of town. But at least I got out of the apartment. I’ve not been getting out. Not good. Not good. And I didn’t leave until 5 yesterday, which is also stupid because I was driving windy roads when it was dark and rainy. I’m glad no one honked at me. I kind of drive like a grandma anyway and especially on those kinds of roads. Multnomah Village is only about a block long? Of course it was dark and there were cars behind me, so I didn’t get a good look.


I’d like to get together with you and maybe go on drives with you but every time I’m with you I get all mad and pissy which is weird because you don’t deserve it and that isn’t like me, but it is like me apparently. But I don’t get why you bring out my worst. It’s nothing you do except be who you are and there’s nothing wrong with you. I’m sorry I’m having this reaction, I don’t understand why. Because I’m not jealous. I’m really glad you’re happy.


If I’m jealous of anything it’s that you found someone. On the other hand, I have opportunities, but I just don’t want to date right now. But then I feel guilty for not wanting to date because these are some perfectly good men (and boys) I’m meeting online. When I met you, I was so hopeful of finding something long term. Kind of. I mean, I always stress friendship, but then when I THOUGHT you might be something special, and it turned out to be just another disappointment (again, not your fault), I lost my steam. Which is weird because I wrote a fucking BOOK about online dating. I’m an online dating ambassador for fucks sake.


I guess I’m kind of burnt out on trying. Because it never works. It always ends in disappointment. Maybe that’s why I’m bitchy to you. Because I’m so sad (and mad) it didn’t work out. I mean, first Don, and then you right after. What the fuck. Maybe I’m just mad at myself for wanting it and thinking I’d found it. Maybe I’m just mad I made such a fool of myself thinking you loved me. I don’t know.


Now I made myself cry. Fuck.


David:


Sorry you’re still grappling with that. Glad you got out, anyway. Pretty sure you were on 82nd where you saw hookers. It’s famous for being trashy, but in more recent years there’s been more Asian restaurants and businesses, and the city has tried to improve the image by calling it the Jade District.


Me:


Ya.


David:


Well, OK. I'm going to go collect and fold my laundry.


Me:


OK

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” -Proverbs 13:12


Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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