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  • Writer's picturecocodensmore

God, grant me the serenity.

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3–4

May 9, 2023

We are the sum total of every decision we have made in our lives up until this moment.

I have made some really bad decisions.

I am living with the ramifications of those decisions now.

I have been harshly judged, misunderstood, marginalized, and condemned by many many people, most notably family who are supposed to love and support me. I fully recognize I have no control over that.

How do I live with all of that?

Each day, I strive to improve my circumstances.

Each day, I do what I need to do to stay even mentally. I do all the things I need to do to manage my bipolar mental illness. I take my medications, keep myself engaged writing and studying and writing.

I spend time with loving supportive friends, who encourage me and validate me in every way possible.

I recognize the ways in which I am blessed. I recognize the positive, even miraculous results of my efforts. Most notably: I’m still here. I’m still alive.

I chip away at the things which are important to improve my health, although I don’t do that well. But I do it. In tiny increments, I do it.

I do the right things, not all the right things all the time, but I strive to do the right things.

Each day, it matters less what others think of me. It will always hurt that I have been abandoned and mistreated by those I trusted to love me and be there for me. I fully recognize I have no control over that.

I also recognize their judgments are based on a person who no longer exists. It’s sad, it makes me sad, that those people can’t see the changes in me, that they can’t see how hard I’ve worked and how far I’ve come. I fully recognize I have no control over that.

All I can do is the same thing I’ve been doing. Because it works. All I have to do, all that’s required for me to walk this out, is that I never give up the fight for my quality of life. I must simply keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I Persevere. And life goes on.

“Some people are going to love you with all their hearts or judge you without giving you a chance. When they judge, it is NOT your problem at all. It’s not what people think of you, it’s what you think of you. When the world turns on you, is the exact same time you need to love yourself more and more.” -Danny Gautama


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