• cocodensmore

Ghosting (No Explanations Necessary)

I think it’s rude to ghost people, but I do it sometimes. And sometimes people ghost me. Sometimes it’s a good idea. Sometimes it’s rude. Oh well. That’s life. Carry on my little pretties!


When you’re casually dating, and you haven’t established a deep attachment to one another, the most important thing to keep in mind when communication ends is that neither of you owes the other an explanation. Let me say that again. Neither of you owes the other an explanation. Let me say that yet again. Neither of you owes the other an explanation. If you’re in a serious relationship, that might not be the case. But that’s not for this book.


I don’t like being ghosted, but there are some things I’d rather not know. I don’t want to hear my match doesn’t find me attractive. That kind of rejection stings. I’d rather be ghosted.


If I got together with my match and there wasn’t much chemistry, and there’s a sort of mutual ghosting, I’m relieved. I don’t ever feel obligated to follow up just to be polite.


If I liked him, and I haven’t heard from him for a week or so, I might try to call. This happened recently. When he answered the phone, he didn’t know who I was. When he figured it out, he said he’d been really busy. That was good enough for me. He probably wasn’t being truthful, because I haven’t heard back from him, but that’s OK. He doesn’t owe me an explanation.


When I call and it goes straight to voicemail, that’s a pretty good indication he’s blocked me. Very well then. I let it go and move on. It stings a bit sometimes, sometimes for a while, but that’s OK. He doesn’t owe me an explanation.


When I’m not connecting well with my match, I’ll say, “I don’t think this is working for me. I wish you all good things. Take care.” You may have a different way of phrasing it. Beyond that, you don’t owe him an explanation.


If I’m not attracted to my match, I don’t tell him that. No one needs to hear that. Just because you don’t find him attractive doesn’t mean he isn’t attractive. I say, “I’m not in a place where I can continue this right now. It has nothing to do with you this is about me...” Because, actually, that’s the truth. If you don’t find someone attractive, that’s about your preferences and has little to do with him. Beyond that, you don’t owe him an explanation.


If you’ve met someone else you want to focus on exclusively, it’s your decision whether you tell your match or not. This happened to me recently. The man was really gentle about it. He had been sporadic in his communication, but I would occasionally text him “hi” and he’d text back “hi”. After a couple months, he told me he’d met someone and that’s why he hadn’t been real responsive. I wished him the best. We’re still connected on social media and sometimes I comment on his posts. I found him incredibly gracious and he provided a great model to follow. He didn’t need to explain his reason, but he did. However, he doesn’t owe me an explanation.


There’s no requirement you tell your match you’ve met someone else. However, if you respect your match, it’s not kind to ghost. If you want to end communication without providing an explanation, say, “I’m not in a place where I can continue this right now…”. Alternatively, you can give him the “I just want to be friends” speech. Beyond that, you don’t owe him an explanation.


When my match is rude or offensive or overly aggressive, I’ll tell him that. I’ll say, “I don’t like what you said. That makes me feel uncomfortable. I’ve told you already I don’t like that. I’m going to have to bow out.” You may choose just to ghost. And that’s OK. Because you don’t owe him an explanation.


If my match flat out pisses me off, I ghost him. He doesn’t deserve any more of my time or effort. And I don’t owe him an explanation. Sometimes I’ll really let him have it. But I never feel good about that afterwards. Plus, he might let me have it back and that is no fun. It’s tempting to do something vengeful. But I don’t recommend that; karma and all. It’s better to let it go and be on my way. It’s not helpful to hang onto anger. It will eat you up.


Unless you’re going to stay friends, unmatch on the site and block him on any-off-site communication platforms.


“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.”

-Peter Drucker




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