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  • Writer's picturecocodensmore

“Every man likes Big Girls!”

December 6, 2019

I was at the place I’m not supposed to be a couple of weeks ago (aka, the Den of Iniquity). Having a double vodka soda with cran (which I’m not supposed to drink), sitting at the edge of the lounge in a nice comfy chair, just people watching through that early euphoric vodka haze.

A nice fellow about my age sat in the lounge chair next to me. I immediately looked at the left ring finger. Married. But friendly. We talked a bit about gambling, then things turned to his unhappy marriage. I wonder, do I have “Yes! I’ll be your confidant!” on my forehead? Alas, it’s a blessing, and as we all know, I have lots to say about just about everything to do with any kind of relationship. But mostly, I listen.

He’s not happy, but staying because he took vows. That would be vows… to God. So that’s about as admirable thing I find in any man, or woman. Doing right. You can’t go wrong doing right.

I steered the conversation to my writing, as I am always wont to do. I mentioned I get quite a bit of attention from young men specifically because of my age and my size. He responded, “Every man likes Big Girls!”

“What do you mean? Why?” I asked.

“Because they’re easy going, they’re uninhibited and they don’t play games. Just happy to go with it. And, they’re beautiful.”

Then he left to find his wife. Because although he might not have wanted to, it was the right thing to do.

I’ve been thinking about this since he said it, and he’s right. About what mature BBWs are about. About our beauty, our unique beauty. The beauty we rarely see in ourselves, almost never in our mirrors, but often see reflected in the eyes of our admirers.

The last three years, my perceptions of myself, of relationships, of sexuality, and about a whole lot of everything have undergone a complete overhaul. For the better for the most part. I had to go to some dark places to see the truth. The pain has been seemingly unbearable a great deal of the time. Yet, once again, I must proclaim these last few years have made me many times more than the human I was before. More capable, more compassionate, more open, more tolerant, more of everything good. So the pain has all been worth it. No effort is ever wasted. I always always learn. Even if it’s about what I don’t want.

I can’t say I’m beautiful. Not on the outside. I may never be able to say that. But I can say I have a beautiful spirit. And in the becoming, the endless becoming, that beauty, which I prefer to think of as courage and resiliency, shines stronger and brighter.

Sometimes, we depend on other people as a mirror, to define us and tell us who we are. And each reflection makes me like myself a little more.” -Elizabeth, My Blueberry Nights



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