Don't hurt me.
July 16, 2018 Email to Mr. Nashville
My life is a living hell. That's so clichéd. But there is no other better way to describe my existence. I sleep, as much as I can. I sleep so I can sleep through the pain, and the overwhelming desire to kill myself. I figure if I waste my life sleeping, that's better than suicide. I figure if I have to stand before God and answer for how I've spent my time here, at least I can say I Persevered. I didn't live fully, but I lived. I waited it out. I stuck it out until my appointed time. That's something. In my heart, that is a victory.
The end of the week, you leave me with a shock. You love me. You believe you are in love with me. I don't know how to process that. Then I think and think. And I begin to smile, a smile of hope and a look forward to perhaps a better existence. One where I partner with a like-minded soul. One where I have a reason to rise, to leave my cocoon and wake up. A reason to live.
But then, no communication all weekend. Well, just a couple of sentences exchanged. Once again, I am existing in the shadows of a man's life. Your life is intertwined with hers. There is no time for me. There is no place for me.
Hey You! You, who claim to love me. Do you know what that means? Do you? Do you know that if you extend yourself as a support to me, that I will lean on you? Do you realize that if you tell me you're all in, I will believe you and I will rely on you? That I will come to need you? I already need you, whether or not the declaration of your love. I need you as a friend. But now, now that you've told me you feel more, I'll want to lean more. I'll allow myself to need you more. I'll begin to make demands.
I'll want to stay in communication. I won't be satisfied being relegated to the shadows. I won't be satisfied if you continue relationship with her. I won't be satisfied being second choice. I can't be the one you think of after you think of her. I won't be satisfied not having you in my life in real life. I'll want you here, with me, in my apartment, in my bed, inside of me.
You may rue the day you told me you loved me. So think carefully. Once there is a declaration of love, a true from the heart declaration, nothing is ever the same. Not for either of us.
Don't hurt me.