August 24, 2022 Text to Don
Cassie is your Person, Don. I feel it. I know it.
I’m not going to be the lesser of two choices. That’s not fair to me, you, or Cassie. Plus, its not a competition. If it were, she wins. Actually, I made it into a competition trying to force your choice for Sunday. That was wrong. I’m sorry. You should never have to choose between two women you care about.
But you do have to choose who you focus your time and energy on. And I think it’s clear and logical you build out something with the woman with whom you have a clear opportunity of having a successful, fulfilling long-term romantic relationship. That is not me. We’ve both known that all along. It’s quite tragic, actually. I said it a few days ago; right guy, wrong time. And so it goes.
In fact, I needn’t remind you, but I will anyway, everything I’ve said, everything I’ve predicted, has been spot on. I have this gift. Sometimes I see things, I see the future. Not the details of course, but I see the inevitability that certain things will come to pass.
I see it’s not going to be easy for you or Cassie. It wasn’t easy for you and me. Asperger’s is a huge adjustment for any neurotypical. Like me, Cassie might be confused at first. She might not believe she has the ability to stick with it, she might assume the effort is too great. And like me, she will eventually realize neither of those things are true. Like me, she may go back-and-forth for several months until she figures out a bit more of who you are and what she wants. I see these things. They will happen. I see them.
A year from now, you’ll look back and you’ll see all of it. It will be clear you knew from that first day this is how things would play out or you wouldn’t have given Cassie your number.
Interesting your first date was the day you got your negative herpes test. I’m not sure if you would have made that date had you not tested negative. I did that, Don! Finally convincing you to get tested. I’m going to go ahead and take credit for that one!
Spirit does not always work in mysterious ways. Sometimes things are incredibly obvious. The truth doesn’t change because you don’t want to acknowledge it. Your constant resistance to seeing the thing right in front of you is keeping you stuck. That is something I will not stand by and watch without making quite a fuss. I think I have proven that over the last seven months!
This is something really positive that’s happening, you and Cassie. So wake up, open your eyes, open your heart, and get ready. Discard that habit of talking yourself out of the obvious. You’re moving, now. You’re a body in motion. I browbeat you out of your comfort zone. HA! It was kind of fun once I figured out it was actually working.
I told you the truth of who you are, over and over. And oh my goodness, some of it stuck. Once again, as soon as I let go of trying to make you see, as soon as I let go of taking responsibility for making you see, you saw.
I’ve said it before, I’ve known it from the start. Spirit intended for us to come together to learn from one another and enrich one another’s lives. And that is precisely what happened.
I’ve loved you from the very get. For a long time, the regular “safe” kind of love I have for all my friends. It just grew bigger than I anticipated, and it took over more of my heart than I expected. And haven’t you been privileged to have been loved so deeply? And I am privileged to have loved so deeply once again.
Falling in love is the most incredible most life affirming experience you will ever have. And I want it for you. Because I know what it’s like. And even though things have never worked out as I had hoped with the men I have loved, to have loved as I have has been the greatest gift. I wouldn’t change one thing. Falling in love is it’s own reward.
No more every other Sundays, Don. Those belong to Cassie now. Maybe we can see each other now and then, after a time. When I’m feeling better. You do need to tell Cassie you have a good friend and she’s much older. You must never tell her we had a physical relationship. Because that will jeopardize my ability to be friends with you as a couple in the future, and I would like nothing more than that. I have this fantasy I’ll be Auntie Coco to the kids. Oh my, what a wonderful thing that would be.
You will come to me asking for new perspectives when the inevitable challenges present with Cassie. Oh my gosh you two will have a rough go of it. That’s not a curse, it’s an inevitability. I smile as I write this. Because I know it, I can see it. This is going to be the challenge of your life. You would do well to make it the fight of your life.
If you fight for Cassie even half as hard as you fought for me you will be successful. Fight for her. Don’t allow her fears to stall your relationship. It will be much more daunting to fight for her because she is your Person.
Cassie will experience the same doubts, the same fears. One key thing you got right was fighting for me. And I was worth fighting for. And Cassie is no different. In fact, the stakes are much higher with Cassie. Fight hard, Don.
We’ve both acknowledged the fact I have traits that overlap with your ex-wife. Interestingly enough, just from reading the text conversation you showed me a short week and a half ago, it’s clear I have traits that overlap with Cassie. She is a strong woman, wise, determined, courageous, and she knows what she wants. May Spirit give her strength, she’s in for quite the wild ride with you, my friend. I smile. I’m through it. It’s easy for me to smile. But she’ll get through it, too. You’re worth every effort. The joy in the end is worth the effort.
There are so many things I say to you now, at the end of our lovely love affair, that I said to Jeff. You saved me. We saved each other. If not for you, I would not be here. And in spite of all the other challenges I’m dealing with, “here” is a much better place than I’ve ever been before.
You’re way too passive. I originally called you a “pussy” when I wrote this, then changed it, but I’m putting it back! You cannot be like that anymore. It has cost you far far too much. Get strong. It’s who you really are. That passive insecure Don who refuses to see the truth of himself so he can hold onto any excuse to push off making positive changes, that Don needs to die. He has not served you well. He has stolen decades of your life. If you keep letting him, I will drive my ass to Tacoma and slap you up the side of the head. Not kidding.
WAKE UP. (That’s a direct quote Spirit just laid on my heart and told me to tell you.)
Whoa. Pretty long email here. Poor Don. Has to read all the stuff Coco writes. But you know what? If you were consistent and you made it a priority to read my words, it would speed your transformation. Arrogant for me to say? Nope. I am living my purpose, and I am living my destiny. I have incredible wisdom to impart.
It’s not just me, Don. There are many people who have important things to share. Be open to Truth. You are surrounded by Truth.
I am here for you, I will always be here for you. Be prepared, when you come to me for advice, if I think you’re being stupid, I won’t hold back. You’re always going to get the truth from me.
Perhaps I will not to get so frustrated and yell at you. But unfortunately, as the past has proven, sometimes that is what was required. If you open your mind, I won’t have to yell. Please don't make me yell. I really don’t like to yell. Truth is best received when I am calm and your mind is open.
I beseech you to really own the fact you have done right by me. You shall carry no regrets and harbor no guilt. You have done right by me. And that is because you are finally being true to yourself. That is what I have always wanted most for you. And that is what I have always wanted most to see in you. That is precisely why we spent this season with one another.
Everything happened exactly as planned. Together, and as individuals, we have achieved exactly what Spirit intended. We did good, Don.
A bit more advice – since I know you mostly listen now… (Smiling again.) Redefine your priorities, Don. You’re not focusing on the areas where you can make the most enduring positive difference, the only things that really have any significance in this life: your relationships. You work too much, you’re often preoccupied with insignificant things. Your children deserve more. Be the person you want them to be. Model the behaviors you want them to emulate.
From the day you sent me that first message in January, you told me you couldn’t devote more time to a relationship than every other Sunday, nor were you willing to. I remember I told you that was just fine, my schedule was pretty packed, too. I don’t think either of us really believed you were that fully leveraged. Both of us knew it was an excuse to avoid going deep. But it was fine, it was a compromise I was willing to make at that time.
You are already making more time for Cassie. It was all just so much bullshit, you trying to convince yourself when your Person showed up it would change nothing. You know better, because you’re doing the work. And you wouldn’t be if you didn’t believe, just like me, Cassie is your Person. I’m so proud of you.
I’d let go of this “take it slow” ridiculousness. You’re old, babe. I’m older, but you’re still old. Don’t waste any more of your life lying to yourself, telling yourself it won’t happen. It’s happening.
If I ever hear you say “it will never happen, there’s only a one in a million chance”, I'll drive back to Tacoma to slap you up the side of the head AGAIN. Stop that! The past is no predictor of the future. If you didn’t see that before, it sure as hell should be obvious now.
I’m letting go of what was between us, and at some point, there will be something new. I need a bit of time before I take up with our new chapter. The hurt is big. There is no fault. But I am grieving hard. Oh my. So hard.
I’ve succumbed to self-pity, I’m playing the victim. It's a role I know and play so well. But I won’t be here long, I won’t allow it. I won’t be an instrument of my own suffering. I’ve at least learned that much. Hard fought wisdom, but I've got hold of it, finally.
In the interim, go forth and prosper! (I know Star Trek better, you know Star Wars better. Given my deficit, that was the best I could come up with.) (Actually that’s a Bible verse. It should say “live long and prosper” 🙄)
Please know, there is nothing you could ever do that could make me love you less.
