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  • Writer's picturecocodensmore

But still, goddamn it, I’d sure like to have sex. Or maybe not. Well, fuck.

July 24, 2023


Four men. There are four men I’m in conversation with. Some I’ve been in conversation with for a long time. One is actually one of my best friends; we’ve met two times in person. He struggles with depression as do I. We’ve always made space for one another on that front. For some reason, I can’t get any of them to set a date to meet. And sometimes that’s OK and sometimes that’s not OK.


Somehow, I feel like IF I HAVE SEX, it will be a dividing line between David and the rest of my life. I’ll get to put the David thing to rest and move on. But that’s magical thinking. Believing something outside of you is going to solve an issue inside of you is magical thinking. On the other hand, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. And there is some truth to that. I’ll attest. It is a dividing line of sorts. A milestone. Or it can be. But sometimes it makes the pain of loss even worse because there’s an emptiness to sex for the sake of sex. But what it does for the ego is a rather miraculous thing. Eh. Who knows.


So, I’m whining about these men who won’t meet, but the truth is, I’m ambivalent. It’s not that I worry I’ll fall for one of them. They’re all much younger. They’re men with whom I have strong online relationships, the kind that foster playful text banter throughout the week. They’re also supportive when I’m sad, which as we know, is pretty constant right now. (Although I do feel better this morning. Counseling appointment in 45 minutes!)


My online relationships have been tremendously rewarding since I embarked on this online dating journey in 2016. I’ve scores of men I keep in touch with, all of them so kind, so smart, so funny, so supportive. Some I've met in real life, most I haven't. Some I've had sex with, most I haven't. I am so blessed to connect with men who fill this role of supporter, confidant, and admirer.


One of my friends lives in North Carolina. We’ve been communicating since 2017, right from the get. I used to have a KIK group, BBW Admirers, and he was an administrator. I’ve never met him, but we have FaceTimed. He’s 38 now, and I had a long conversation with him yesterday. He pressed me to define what kind of future we might have together. I was surprised. I asked if he’d thought we might be a couple and he said he had. I was surprised. Twenty-two years younger. I don’t even entertain the thought. It’s not something I want, a romantic relationship with a man so young. The friendship, on the other hand, is something I actively nurture. He’s been there for me, through all of it, and there has been a lot of it. A lot of suffering. A lot of sadness He’s been an incredible support. One of the instrumental people in my life who got me through some very dark times. Still does. We’re bonded in friendship and shared experience. And always there’s that intense attraction.



Online relationships can be fulfilling in so many ways, on so many fronts. I don’t think people give these relationships enough credence.


Back in March 2017, I said this:


“Men are incredible beings. Much of this learning has come from being able to communicate behind the veil of the internet. Which is at the same time very very safe but allows you total transparency in communication. So, it’s the most remote and most intimate form of communication. And it’s incredible!”

So, I’ve held this opinion for a very long time.


Perhaps this time it’s just a wait and push through scenario. And that’s OK. I’m reading and reading and reading, and I’ve got the orientation trip in August, then school starts. But still, goddamn it, I’d sure like to have sex. Or maybe not. Well, fuck.

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