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  • Writer's picturecocodensmore

Benzos are a fucking nightmare.



August 15, 2023


Klonopin has been its own character in my writing and a constant in my life since my early 20s. Klonopin is a short-acting benzodiazepine.


I’ve always had issues with depression and anxiety, and I have lived close to Suicide the majority of my life, all the way back to childhood. I would like to say Suicide is no longer a companion, but he is. At times, he still figures prominently. Anxiety feeds Suicide. Sometimes, it’s important to kill the anxiety as quickly and as effectively as possible. Klonopin is quick, but not very effective.


I’ve always been able to get Klonopin just by asking. In my experience, psychiatrists hand out Klonopin like TicTacs. It works quick and it works well. Although that’s deceiving because all benzos are temporary. They do work quick, but they don’t work well. When they wear off, you’re right back facing the exact same issues and problems and anxious feelings you were trying to medicate away.


I have an addictive personality. If a little is good, A LOT IS BETTER. One Klonopin was never enough. I’d get 60 one mg tablets per month. I’d get a 90-day supply. That’s 180 one mg tablets from my mail order pharmacy delivered directly to my door. Nice. They’d be gone in a month if that. I’d be white knuckling it until my next delivery. Alcohol worked OK as a stop gap. Not great, but OK, I mean, vodka worked OK. But sometimes — I’d mix Klonopin with vodka. Oh my. Sublime.


After my bipolar breakdown in 2017, after I began failing at one job after another, neuropsych testing revealed issues with memory and severe deficits in executive functioning. I was horrified. There was no cause identified, but a contributing factor may well have been 35-ish years of benzo abuse. Layer alcohol abuse on top of that, and my love of mixing the two, and no wonder my brain was ailing. It was hard to believe and even harder to admit I was responsible for the damage to my own brain. It was difficult coming to terms with all that.


I once estimated I’ve overdosed on Klonopin seven times. That I can recall. Probably man more. I abused it far more often than I attempted to overdose — but is there really much of a difference? I abused Klonopin hundreds of times. Hundreds. Likely thousands.


The last time was the last time. August 28, 2022 kicked off five days in the emergency department waiting for a psych bed, coming down off a roughly 50 mg Klonopin high. It was probably the worst five days of my entire life. Never again.


Benzos solve nothing, in fact they make everything worse. It’s easy to abuse benzos, without even intending to. Benzo abuse can cause brain damage. A high price to pay to run out the hamster wheel and end up facing down the same demons you tried to escape at the outset. Benzos solve nothing. Benzos are a fucking nightmare.


Do yourself a favor, take up meditation, or yoga. Or eat chocolate. Or french fries. Gain weight. Being fat is better than brain damage. But don’t take it from me. OK, ya, go ahead and take it from me. Benzos are a fucking nightmare.


Study up. This an excellent Netflix documentary: Take Your Pills — Xanax

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