June 7, 2021
Remember Chris from Cincinnati? The one who loved me, and I came up with all kinds of reasons why it wouldn’t work and you email yelled at me and said, “Let him love you, Jesus Christ...” And you never say Jesus Christ. So, it was kind of shocking.
It’s amazing, really. You wanted me to be happy just as much as I wanted to be happy. You wanted me to find somebody just as much as I wanted to find somebody.
I haven’t spoken to Chris in over two years. He was incredibly smart and incredibly capable, but he had a horrible temper. He lashed with his tongue. And he used really indecipherable symbolic language, words and concepts from ancient Christendom and the underworld I couldn’t understand. And sometimes he even quoted things in Latin. Sometimes I looked them up. Sometimes I didn’t. I was too tired. And it was just too much. So, the last time he lambasted me, over something I’d said I’d meant as encouragement, I told him never to talk to me again. He wasn’t crazy. He was tortured. He wasn’t scary. He was exasperating. And I was too tired.
He emailed me today. He’s sorry he didn’t marry me. Which was never an option but perhaps he doesn’t realize.
He lost his other leg. His body is destroyed his body is failing he will die soon.
I am sad. But I’m not sorry. We could not have been together. It would have been a disaster. The man wore me out.
Why are there so many misses? We loved and were loved but not by one another.
Another foregone conclusion.