I saw my PCP today. She read the ER notes. She knew I was in the hospital.
I told her I’d received a very unflattering diagnosis – Borderline Personality Disorder. The key component is an intense fear of abandonment. Yep, that’s me. Overwhelming fear of abandonment.
In my deepest being, I’ve still not got a hold of the fact I’m complete in and of myself. I can spout that shit, self-love, self-respect, blah blah and more blah blah and even more blah blah, until the cows come home. But I still want a man to partner with me, walk it out with me.
It’s OK to need relationships. We are made for relationships. I need relationships. But I have them. Long-term steady supportive friendships. I have friends all over the country. Friends I’ve had for a long time, some for decades. Friends who have stood by me and helped me pick up the pieces and put myself back to rights every time I was broken. And I’ve been broken a lot. For a lot of years.
I can’t seem to let go of wanting one more Great Love. It’s normal. It’s human. But I really despise myself for it. I see it as weakness. No self-respecting feminist would want a man so badly. Jesus Christ. On a bike.
I don’t know how to forgive myself for being human and wanting the same thing pretty much every other human wants. And that is one intimate fulfilling meaningful satisfying long-term connection. With some steady sex. With someone who knows their way around The Vintage Treasure Box.
I was so arrogant with Don. Truly. I really thought I’d have full access to him for as long as I wanted. I assumed no one would ever step in. But in the back of my mind, I knew. How could I have believed otherwise? I don’t know. After that first five months of dithering, I finally just totally trusted and rested in him, and he me, I think. It was just so nice. It just got so incredibly good. I mean, like, seriously. I had the best two months I’ve ever had with anyone in any relationship ever those last two months with Don. I just hate that I didn’t see it coming, that I took it for granted things would go on and on and on. Selfish, short-sighted, presumptive, arrogant. I can go there and hate myself for letting it catch me by surprise, but if I had known the end was imminent, I wouldn’t have done one thing differently. So why do I even go there? I didn't do anything wrong.
I did pretty much everything right with Don, actually.
(I had to highlight that because it surprised me popping out of my subconscious like it just did and my aware mind is fighting the truth. But I know it's true. I did so fucking good with Don. I was AWESOME.)
It's tragic I spend so much time telling everyone not to be so hard on themselves, and then fall right into this self-flagellation bullshit. It’s impossible to stop, or I would have stopped by now, right? I can’t seem to get on top of it. And then I have all this shame and guilt about not being able to get on top of my shame and guilt. I’m chasing my tail here. It’s killing me. I mean seriously. It’s killing me.
So. Back to the unflattering diagnosis. Is this entire post just a self-shaming activity for me? Hell. I don’t know. Nothing more fun than dissecting my neuroses for the public. I mean, not being facetious there at all. What the fuck. Anyhow.
“According to the DSM-5, individuals with BPD exhibit some or all of the following symptoms:
Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Distortions in thoughts and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad or unworthy. They may feel bored, empty, or unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, and they have little idea who they are.
Recurrent suicidal behavior.
Transient, stress-related paranoid thinking, or dissociation ("losing touch" with reality).”
So. Yep. That about covers it. The only thing different is I do have those stable enduring friendships. The instability in relationships, that’s not an issue for me. At least not in terms of friendships. I attract quality people. I invest in quality people. But my romantic relationships have been stormy. But... not with Don.
There was stability with Don. Some turmoil, but that was all on my side. And I pushed through that, very successfully as a matter of fact. So, I’ll make that my new pattern. That’s a very flattering picture, what I accomplished in that relationship. I’m so proud of myself in that relationship. That’s the good of it that pretty close to even balances out the pain of loss. The good stuff that happened because of Don and because of who I was with him - all that good stuff will soon outweigh all the rest. And I'll rest in that. And I'll rest in me.
“I’m just as insecure as you are. I just fight it harder and hide it better.”
-Text to Don